I’m really sorry I made this so long but if anyone can read and respond I’d be very grateful.
When I was in 3rd grade, I transferred out of my elementary school and went to a different one. However, when I got to the new school, I was always bullied. I don’t know why, but people just never seemed to like me. I would sometimes get beat up and kicked around at recess. I remember one particular day when they lured me behind a tree in 4th grade and 3 guys beat the hell out of me. Sure, my parents went and talked to the teachers but there wasn’t much they could really do, as they had never seen it for themselves. Ever since I went to that school, I’ve always been very depressed.
7 years later, I still feel like crap all the time. It’s gotten worse a lot worse, even. When I was 10 years old, my parents got a divorce. It was pretty tough on me, but I’d always wanted to be with my dad, as I honestly preferred him over my mother, since she’s just extremely negligent (she didn’t feed me for over a year and my sister would do all the work). I don’t even like talking to her anymore. I’m out of the house most of the time. Anyways, when I moved on to middle school I was still picked on a quite a bit, but I wasn’t beat up anymore really. I did however, start cutting in 7th grade, but shortly stopped after realising how stupid and immature I was acting. Nothing changed much throughout the year, and I’m still sad all the time.
Skip to now, I’m 16 Â years old and I’m a Junior in Highschool. I get good grades, I never did bad in school, but I’m still sad. Sometimes I don’t even know why. People dont pick on me anymore really, and I guess I have a few friends. I havent had any suicidal thoughts this year until now. My Dad who I deeply love, has been unemployed for 4 year (I should also mention he moved to New York when I was 12, and I live in Florida) but since he’s unemployed, he hasn’t been able to pay child support. The debt is not directed towards my Mother, but is now directed towards my IRS, who was trying to put him in jail. I say was, because he now moved to Germany to start a new life. Good for him. Too bad he had another child with my stepmom and he is only 2 years old now. I’m not going to see him grow up. Worst of all, my Dad isn’t going to see ME grow up. My mom is not going to let me go to Germany any time soon, cause they never got along. He cant come back to the U.S. When I get out of highschool, I’m not going to have any money, so I say I wont see him for another 9 years, when I graduate college and by then he may even have forgotten about me.
That’s just one part. My sister, the only family member that I still talk to and care about, is now 19 and she’s also moving out this summer to start a life of her own and be happy. Good for her. I, however, am now left alone with no one to talk really talk to and share my feelings with because I dont talk to anyone else about these things. Maybe that’s why I joined this website. My sister always cares for me and provides for me and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without her. She’s just always been there for me when no one else was.
Last but not least, you’re probably wondering, “well why dont you get a girlfriend then you can be happy”. And you’re right. I know a girl and her name’s Bianca. and I had a crush on her in the beginning of the school year. We’ve actually become great friends and we even kind of hook up every once in a while which is totally fine by me, really. And the problem is that I think I’ve fallen in love with her. I wouldn’t really mind this at all, if she weren’t to be moving to Alabama this summer as well. I’ve wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I don’t really think there’s a point if she’s going to be leaving soon, as there’s a good chance I’ll never see her again. When I’m with her I get these butterflies in my stomach and I feel good for a short amount of time. She’s there for me a lot too, and since we’ve been through many of the same experiences, I feel like I can really relate to her and she understands how I feel. Her Dad left when she was young and her sisters all moved out as well. She was even there for me the day my Dad called me telling me he was leaving, and offered to be a crying shoulder.
I just feel so alone all the time and now that I’m losing the only people I’ve EVER cared about, I just feel like there’s nothing left for me anymore. I’ve actually resorted to doing drugs or drinking to feel a little better but obviously the effects aren’t permanent, and I just go back to feeling like shit the morning. I’m not a heavy smoker, or an alcoholic, I just do it when I can’t bear it anymore. Everyday for the past couple months, I’ve thought of ways to kill myself but I guess I’m really just too scared to do it. I go online and I read these stories and they all tell me about how painful it is. If I do it, I just want to get it over and done with as quickly and painlessly as possible but at the same time I’m alone enough as it is and being that I’m not religious at all, I dont want to be more alone than I already am.
3 comments
you’re not alone sweetheart, we’re all here for you. what you’re going through is awful, but you’re still so young and got a long life ahead of you, there is still hope for you and the table will turn.
I know you’ll turn out to be someone happy and successful cause you can actually appreciate life after going through so much.
you can email me if you ever need someone to talk to xx
I know you feel lost, and confronted with some challenges that seem overwhelming. You asked for some help, so I’d like to suggest a few things. First, please stop doing drugs, drinking, and smoking. I understand why you did this, but just take a moment and step out of the moment long enough to not use these things as a cruch. I have been there. I do understand. Second, talk to your sister. I mean really talk with her. It sounds like she will be there for you, even though she is moving. She is the one person who would truly understand what you are going through. Third, I’d suggest you consider getting involved in an activity that you would like, and that can build your confidence. One activity that helped me when I was your age was enrolling in a martial arts school. I too faced bullies when i was young. But by the time I was 14, very few kids messed with me. This was not because I was some muscle-toting Bruce Lee. I just had an air of confidence about me that was reflected outward. And, when I did have a few instances later on…well, let’s say, I was even surprised as to how well that ended. Lastly, work hard on your high-school work. This is where you have an advantage over the other kids. Be the best you can. Strive to get a scholarship or grant to get into a good college. I’d suggest a college not necessarily in the same city as your mom. I understand your desire to get closer to your female friend, but you have plenty of time to get involved with a girl. You have a full life in front of you. Use your disadvantages as an advantage, and guess what….you will succeed. But first, take a step back and deep breath. You’ll be fine, really.
Have you considered the military? They could even let you be based in Germany. It is only a few years, and they pay and train you. Good luck.