Hey, my name is Jack.
today has been a pretty shit day, just like every other day I guess. In year 7 is when it all started, my dad stopped being my dad.
Dad was working in the Air Force and previously worked in the navy for years, so he is a respectable man. Although while i was in year 7, he got discharged from the air force for injuring his knee and neck. Now I’m 18, I finished school last year, I hated school. I hated the teacher, I hated the education, i hated the school in general. Everyone is so stupid, i honestly felt like one of the smartest people in the school? I barely went in year 12 cause i just started to get over it, but i wasn’t bullied or anything, if that is what you were thinking. I was quite popular and well know, but I just hid behind a fake me my whole high school life. No one knows the real me.
What happened was, when dad got discharged he was put on pain relief tablets which mad him angry. He took everything out on me from grade 8 -11. At first I just took it, i just got sad over it, but by grade 10 I had, had enough. We started getting really into it, the family was falling apart, I started getting really sad. Dad then had was confirmed with bi-polar, constant mood swings and depression. I heard my own dad once, crying in his toilet. I’ve seen dad with cuts on his legs,. I once unlocked his drawer when he was out of the house, he had razor blades and drugs in in.
Girls were just another thing to fuck my head around. Of course I had a lot of other problems going on that built up, my dog died, family had died, friends were suicidal. Actually, how’s this. I have stopped three of my friends from close suicide, but I cant help myself.
Now i am stuck, so lost and sad. I feel nothing really, I’ve felt sad for so long, sometimes at night i just randomly cry. I’ve tried so many things to be happy; running, gym, cutting, sports, reading, writing and the list goes on. But halfway through year 12, i started smoking weed heavy, now im never ever sober, wake up and straight to it, i dont even get stoned any more i feel nothing, it’s just to pass time, to finish another day. I want help, everyday feels harder and harder, i just feel sad, im only happy when im out drunk. Someone please help or give me some advice, it really hurts.
5 comments
My sister smoked pot alot and then stopped. She is fine. She also quite smoking and drinking coffee. It can be done. I was ALWAYS a reject and now at my later 20’s I feel the same way.At least know you are capable of living a good life. Military families have it rough, depending on what they do. If you are fit you can defend yourself
Families always seem to fall apart these days. But usually a few years apart will remedy it. I hated my mom alot and wanted her dead but now it is like she is a different person.
Depression is actually contagious so it makes a lot of sense that you feel this way going through what you did. Having felt pretty similar for 15 years I’d say that you do have options. First find a place that is safe to you. If you like football go run the track, if you like coffee find a coffee place open late (Starbucks is almost always open), and just give yourself time to space out. Don’t do anything for an hour or two every day. In time your body will come out of the state of shock it sounds like you’re in. When it does consider finding a therapist (you can find free or reduced rate sessions all over the place) or keep a journal, write music, something that lets you process the feelings you might be burying right now. Work through your grief and in time, you’ll feel ok, maybe not great at first, but ok.
Why don’t you try counciling or something like that?
If you can’t afford it, there are people you can talk to about it and they can help you.
I most likely can’t do much but see if you can send me a email.
My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
I read this and thought of how similar I felt throughout high school. I absolutely hated it. I don’t necessarily think it has anything to do with high school, more about what you are going through and that age where growing up sucks. Sorry, I can’t afford some light because I’m still going through problems that I don’t understand, cutting myself, drinking myself into oblivion because I’m done hoping that there is a cure. I have depression, and I think I’ve had it since I was an early teen, and I’ve been suicidal since I was 14. I hated school but I love learning, which is why in uni I was obsessed with psychology and philosophy, even though I was studying writing. I was looking for an answer. I never got it. Now I’m here.
Enough about me, all I’m saying is I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this. I can’t tell you how many professionals suggested meds and how many times I refused it because of the stigma that follows from needing medication. It didn’t cure me. I’ve been on anti-depressants for like 4 years. But it made me last this long being as suicidal as I am. I am in no way a likely advocate for medication h]given my stubbornness but I really think that someone so young as you with so much confusion and suffering might actually benefit from it, even if its not your saving grace, it may extend your time, whether or not you believe in it.
After all, everything you have been doing has failed you. I’ve been through the drug phase too. Only worked 1% of the time. Maybe its time for meds to do its job. What have you got to lose?
By the way, your story interests me and if you ever wanna chat just email me. Can’t remember if I posted my email address in my profile but it’s lmoodliar@hotmail.com