Im 19, A few years after I was Born my parents divorced and my mom and I moved away from the big city to a smaller city not to far. The divorced didnt effect me much because I was so young but it showed in my mother and she began to drink a lot.
by the time I was in grade 3 I was very unhappy with life, There was rarely any food to eat in the house and I was in a very abusive relationship with my mother. I was regularly running away from home and staying with my grandmother who lived in the same city. Â unfortunately my grandmother was very old and unable to take care of me full time.
When I got into grade 4 I was still going thru the same things at home and was an outcast at school, regularly getting suspended and into fights.
I had a few friends but had a hard time relating with other kids.
Fed up with life I just needed to talk to someone so i contacted the school guidance councilor and she issured me everything would be our little secret. I told her everything and she lied and got childrens aid involved.
this sparked a huge investigation in my mom and made her very unhappy. I didnt know what to do I was was scared of being thrown into another family so I went with my moms stories and lied to them,
that summer I tried to hang myself but the rope broke, I tried wrapping it around my neck and passed out. when I woke up shocked to be alive my neck was bruised and sore, and I thought about what my grandma and grandpa would do if i had actually killed myself.
My grandparents were the only people to spend quality time with me as a kid. they where the only people to believe in me and keep me going all these years.
After that still unhappy with life I decided that I wasnt going to kill myself while my grandparents where alive and the only option was to suck it up and go on with life. I was now old enough to stop the beatings and abuse from my mom and spent most of my days drawing alone locked in my room.
In grade 6 I had a horrible relationship with my teacher, She was constantly picking on me and making examples of me to the class. I began to get picked on and i lashed out, resulting in many days of inschool suspention and finally she held me back to repeat grade 6.
I couldnt believe it, I had never heard of someone failing a grade in elementry school. I was convinced it was my mom and the teachers fault.
I started to think about killing myself again. I contacted my dad still living in the big city, explained my situation and asked if I could come live with him. he agreed and I packed up and moved in with him.
Things started to finally look up, I got in with the popular kids at my new school, had no problem getting girls, started to gain lots of confidence and was doing really well in school getting honors for grade 6,7,8. I hadn’t even thought about killing myself once since I left my moms.
In grade 8 my dad began to get more strict and school oriented, grounding me all the time and making me come home early study. I was already doing well in school and just wanted to hang out and have fun with my friends.
I began to start visiting my mom again on the weekends who had cleaned up her act and found a new boyfriend with a good job that she moved in with.
When I graduated elementry school I was upset with how strict my father was being and I longed for the freedom my mother gave me on the weekends. So I told my Dad I wanted to go back and live with my mom an her boyfriend.
My Dad didnt seem to keen saying that my mother was irresponable and things wont be the way I thought, I didnt listen and went to live with my mother anyway.
That summer I had more fun then I had ever had in my life, staying out all night with friends partying and caring on I never wanted it to end.
Then highschool started, Missing the summer fun, I got heavy into the party crowd, partying every night, nd selling and doing as much drugs as I could get my hands on. this distructive path continued until one night I crashed a stolen car almost killing me and 3 other passengers.Â after that I knew I had to stop everything I was doing so i didnt hurt myself or anyone else.
When I recovered and got back to school everyone had already heard.. everyone was making fun of me. I felt like I had no one and slipped into a depressive state for 6 months sleeping every single day waking up only to use the bathroom and eat what food my mom left at the door for me.
I finally snapped out of it but never went back to school.
I knew I didnt want to live anymore but didnt know if suicide was the answer so I turned back to the life of drugs, andÂ partying.
the next summer I Â got pulled over for a D.U.I, lost my licence and havent had a car since. which really puts a damper on my life in a city with limited public transit.
I Started going out every night, making as much money as I could, doing as many drugs as I could and having sex with as many girls as i could.
until one day I notice some bumps in my genital area, i think its nothing but still decided to get checked out… turns out it was HPV and a few months later it had spread covering my whole genital area. i went back and saw my doctor and he said there was nothing he could do and it would go away on its own If I stay healthy.
I quit drugs, drinking and smoking cold turkey, started working out. but I Â wouldnt take no for an answer saw another doctor that had them burned off but they kept coming back.
Its been 2 and a half years now, Ive stayed off drugs and ive tried everything i could find or do to get rid of them with no result.
This is where I am now. I hate my life. I literally lost all my friends, never finished highschool and work a shitty job at a fast foodÂ restaurant.Â Im living pay check to pay check, and I come home every night to my empty basement apartment full of sorrow and regret.
For the last year I go to bed every night hoping I dont wake up And hope to get hit by a car everytime I go out. ive been seriously contemplating suicide again, even day dreaming about it. At first I didnt think I could do it, thinking about how it could affect everyone in my life but these past couple days ive been thinking FUCK everyone else IM unhappy, IM the one who has to go thru this everyday, IM the one that hates myself.
They wouldnt understand what im going thru. And These past couple days ive been seriously thinking about doing it, even picked out the tree and have the rope I would use.
But something inside me says dont do it. I dont know what else to do or who to talk to. I feel like a lost soul walking the earth just waiting to be set free
This Is My Story