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Here we go

by michinyo

Okay, this will be long winded. I’m sorry.

I’m 22 years old. For the past ten years, I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety. I’ve been officially diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, severe social anxiety and borderline post traumatic stress disorder.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ll make it short. As a kid, my mom was a pot head and she slept all day while my dad worked two jobs, only seeing him for about 15 minutes a day. Thus, I was left alone a lot as a kid with my brother. My parents eventually split up and my siblings and I went with our dad to live with our aunt.
At 12, my brother molested and raped me multiple times for about six months until I was able to be courageous enough to tell my dad and aunt. This caused an investigation with social services. They ended up ruling out the case, and my dad said it was my fault anything happened cause I was asking for it and wanted it.
My brother tried to trick me into stuff again, but I wouldn’t let it happen. So instead he became mad and would beat me and would get kids at school to beat me up and bully me and isolate me. At the same time, my dad remarried and my new stepmom forced me to cook for her and her kids, clean the whole house including her and the kid’s rooms, and would mentally and verbally abuse me, and cut me off from any interaction with people outside of school. She would control what I wore and how I looked and what I did and forced me to be her servant basically. I also dealt with verbal abuse from her kids because they thought it was okay. Meanwhile, my dad started treating me worse and worse and being verbally abusive to me as well cause I looked and acted more and more like my birth mom.

Things have happened over years. Dad left that stepmom and remarried someone that’s too absorbed in her own life. He treated me so poorly that I had to move out of the house and cope for a period of time. I tried going to college and was doing decently but my depression got so bad that I never left my room and failed my semester. I have to pay back over $2,000 to be able to get my transcript to return to school, so that is a struggle in itself.
I’ve been dealing with so much stress and trauma and bullying and isolation and tons and tons of things that I could go on for days.

I rather keep it to the point.
Despite receiving medication and going to counseling [which in all honesty was going to two sessions before the therapist quit and I never heard anything from the counseling center since], my depression and anxiety have gotten worse and worse. I’m too scared to talk to people or talk on the phone or ask people for favors or deal with any type of confrontation. However,  I really need social interaction because I’m horribly lonely all the time. My family ignores me and my friends are busy all the time, so I sit by myself all the time. I become really really lonely and I just sit here depressed because I’m alone and I can’t even do anything for myself. I’m too scared to drive, I feel like I’ll never be able to get back in college. I’m overweight and have medical conditions [Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance] that keep people from wanting to talk to me because all they see is someone that’s fat.

I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate how I am going no where in life. I cry all the time and I feel like it’s a struggle to get through anything. I self harm by scratching myself so I can hide the marks easier. People aren’t suspicious of scratches. However, it’s getting bad enough where I think about killing myself every day. I take medication for my insulin resistance, and I found out someone once overdosed on it in a suicide attempt and succeeded. Though they took twice as much medication than I get in one bottle refill, I’ve felt that with all my metformin along with other meds I take, it should give enough effect to end it all.
I’m honestly just so tired. I’m so tired of constantly being hurt and let down and being alone and feeling like I’m never going to get on stable ground or do anything with my life.

I’m just so tired.

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4 comments

Riddick 4/16/2013 - 8:53 am

I can’t tell you that things will or won’t get better, but I can tell you that there have been other who have gone through similar situations and worst, and they kept on walking. In this world we live in people will make things hard, and in these days more of us tend to think about ourselves than others. The best thing I’m a tell you is also the hardest thing it will be for you to do–let go of the past. It’s hard I know, it’s hard forgetting what people have done to us in the past that has left scars so deep only we can feel them. But if we don’t let go of the past we will always be trapped by it. Forgive those who hurt you, it’s hard too I know but when you do it will make you feel better and then try your best to move on. Even if it’s hard if you can take just one step then you are already further than where you was before, and if you cant walk crawl, either way get there and who knows maybe in the future you will look back and tell others how you survived.

KSameer73 4/16/2013 - 10:05 am

Rest will make you stronger. And you must expand the sphere of hope that exists inside you. You’re still alive, which fact leads to that you have something to gain from what damages you. You finally emerge as the strongest. You will not give up.

fix you 4/16/2013 - 2:57 pm

Im so sorry to read this.
Literally brought tears to my eyes.
Though Im dealing with problems different than yours..After reading your problems i think my life is so much good.
Youre saying that you are alone..remember you came alone in this world and you have to go alone..I know that past experiences have left you with low esteem and low self confidence but you have to be strong dear ..
your body and weight doesnt matter .
What matters right now is that you confront people and be confident. Try to work on that . Talk to yourself in the mirror ive heard this increases one’s confidence.
And please let go of your past.
I have so much to say to you but i cant shape it in words .
You seem very lonely and depressed. May all good things come to you <3
please e-mail me at moister.skater@live.com
I really want to help you get over this.

hippie_shutterbug 4/22/2013 - 3:31 am

i am here for you. i will love to talk to you. i’m 25 and like you i get lonely cus i just can’t seem to leave my room too scared to have interaction with most people but i will be here for you if you need it
(email me sometime? )

aunt_sissy@hotmail.com

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