Here we go

Okay, this will be long winded. I’m sorry.

I’m 22 years old. For the past ten years, I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety. I’ve been officially diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, severe social anxiety and borderline post traumatic stress disorder.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ll make it short. As a kid, my mom was a pot head and she slept all day while my dad worked two jobs, only seeing him for about 15 minutes a day. Thus, I was left alone a lot as a kid with my brother. My parents eventually split up and my siblings and I went with our dad to live with our aunt.
At 12, my brother molested and raped me multiple times for about six months until I was able to be courageous enough to tell my dad and aunt. This caused an investigation with social services. They ended up ruling out the case, and my dad said it was my fault anything happened cause I was asking for it and wanted it.
My brother tried to trick me into stuff again, but I wouldn’t let it happen. So instead he became mad and would beat me and would get kids at school to beat me up and bully me and isolate me. At the same time, my dad remarried and my new stepmom forced me to cook for her and her kids, clean the whole house including her and the kid’s rooms, and would mentally and verbally abuse me, and cut me off from any interaction with people outside of school. She would control what I wore and how I looked and what I did and forced me to be her servant basically. I also dealt with verbal abuse from her kids because they thought it was okay. Meanwhile, my dad started treating me worse and worse and being verbally abusive to me as well cause I looked and acted more and more like my birth mom.

Things have happened over years. Dad left that stepmom and remarried someone that’s too absorbed in her own life. He treated me so poorly that I had to move out of the house and cope for a period of time. I tried going to college and was doing decently but my depression got so bad that I never left my room and failed my semester. I have to pay back over $2,000 to be able to get my transcript to return to school, so that is a struggle in itself.
I’ve been dealing with so much stress and trauma and bullying and isolation and tons and tons of things that I could go on for days.

I rather keep it to the point.
Despite receiving medication and going to counseling [which in all honesty was going to two sessions before the therapist quit and I never heard anything from the counseling center since], my depression and anxiety have gotten worse and worse. I’m too scared to talk to people or talk on the phone or ask people for favors or deal with any type of confrontation. However,  I really need social interaction because I’m horribly lonely all the time. My family ignores me and my friends are busy all the time, so I sit by myself all the time. I become really really lonely and I just sit here depressed because I’m alone and I can’t even do anything for myself. I’m too scared to drive, I feel like I’ll never be able to get back in college. I’m overweight and have medical conditions [Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome and Insulin Resistance] that keep people from wanting to talk to me because all they see is someone that’s fat.

I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate how I am going no where in life. I cry all the time and I feel like it’s a struggle to get through anything. I self harm by scratching myself so I can hide the marks easier. People aren’t suspicious of scratches. However, it’s getting bad enough where I think about killing myself every day. I take medication for my insulin resistance, and I found out someone once overdosed on it in a suicide attempt and succeeded. Though they took twice as much medication than I get in one bottle refill, I’ve felt that with all my metformin along with other meds I take, it should give enough effect to end it all.
I’m honestly just so tired. I’m so tired of constantly being hurt and let down and being alone and feeling like I’m never going to get on stable ground or do anything with my life.

I’m just so tired.