Drugs. That’s what caused all this. There is lump in my throat telling me i dont think anyone will truly understand theÂ absolute s**t it does to you, but who knows. So here is my story..
*Note* I am deeply ashamed of this, and i try to forget about it as much as i can. (i have not re-read this because it was hard enough writing it, im sorry about any spellingÂ mistakes)
Grade nine was my first year of school ever (i was home schooled) so walking in the doors of that high schoolÂ healed a lot more then desks and teachers, it healed experiences. I didnt know where i really fit in with all these people who went to middle school together, but i wasnt that worried because i know it was the first week, weeks went buy and i ment this guy named Trevor* he was very nice and kind but also a big stoner, i did not think much of it because i know i wouldnt do anything, he liked me because i wasnt your Â typical high school girl, i have never kissed a boy and i thought it was a big deal. Any way long story short he got me high for the first time in November of grade nine, it was great, i had a good time, good friends doing it with, it was great. A day later my mom found out because i skipped a class and she read my phone and lucky for me she gave me a month and half grounding -_- it was the end of the world then. I stopped hanging out with them for the rest of grade 9 and i started hanging out with these girls named Jamie* andÂ Jordan*, and by the time summer came, we were getting high everyday of the summer, and i mean 3- 5 times day smoking weed. Towards the end of the summer i was caught once again and this time i put up a fight saying i was gonna run away blah blah blah (man i feel so ashamed looking back on it now). So my parents grounded me for 5 months, but this time taken out of first and third class because they were scared i would *smoke up between classes* they put me in drug therapy and the whole thing was the worst time of my life and i tried to kill myself during that time, i took about 18 advils but my friends talked me out of it, i stopped hanging out with Jamie and Jordan. After the five months i was good for a while but when the summerÂ rolledÂ around again, i started smoking again, but this time it was weed and about a pack of cigarettes a day, i was hanging out with older people, and i felt good cause i had a place to go and just get away from reality, we did a lot of drugs that summer, like Pot, Riddelen, Cocaine, Morphean, it was just a crazy summer, but towards the end of the summer about 2 weeks before summer started i was caught again. And my parents knew…EVERYTHING. i think a girl i was hanging out with once told my older sister, i was so mad. But this time instead of fighting back i told them i would never do it again, they gave me about a month grounding, that was it. When i got off my grounding i started smoking and drinking again with different older people, thats when i started to really get into cocaine, i did it about 3 times a day, before school, at school, after school, for about 2 months, it was getting out of control so i stopped, cocaine wasÂ actually not that hard to get off of for me, it was the cigarettes that was a bi**h. So i stopped on December 4th 2012, and i have been sober ever since. Okay well to be honest, i have drinkin about 3 times since then, but i was never really a drinker, and i dont really like drinking it so its not something i would do unless for a special occasions. The cigarettes by far is the one that is still fighting with me, i crave them still, and its so hard. I just want to have a pack or two just now and smoke them all, it scares me a little when i think about when i leave my house that i can have as many as i want, and i hate it, and seeing a picture of someone smoking is hard, or smelling smoke on someone after they have come in from having one, i am still fighting not going to get high and get all my friends back who f’en left me when i stopped, i have been alone since i stopped but i am closer with my family which is great, and my marks have been a lot better, but there is still that part of me fighting, fighting all the time to not go back to that place that stole me – Esila