Rantings of a crazy person

Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and this site would be the place to post it. After all, that’s what the slogan says right? “The suicide project.. share your suicide stories with others”

Oh wow! I just realized that I just went on ranting about the reasons for my rantings…haha! I really am crazy!

Anywhoo..here goes..

I guess once I do the deed, if I can gather up the courage to do it that is, people around me will wonder “why did she do it? she looked fine and she had so much going for her”.. Well I asked myself the same questions for a long long time until I recently found out the root cause for all this. Like most depressed people I used to do a lot of reading on depression and related psychology stuff. So one of the main things they say is that the reason for most people to have depression stems from childhood abuse and trauma. I always skipped these explanations because I didn’t think that I experienced anything of the sort. Then one day after seeing this explanation for the millionth time in an article I decided to find out what this was all about. What did they mean by “abuse”? It turns out there are various forms of abuse and sexual abuse and physical abuse, the ones that immediately comes to mind are only two of them. There are also many forms of psychological abuse which can occur where the behavior of their parent damages the confidence and self esteem of the child or young person, resulting in serious emotional deprivation or trauma. Well in my case it was probably not that serious but it did happen and there were many reasons for this. It started with my father going abroad after my brother was born. My mother was under a lot of pressure and she took it out on me. As a kid I felt safe when my dad was around and when he was not I felt scared. Even after we went to where my dad was and both my parents were there it was the same. My mother would scold me so much and she would always tell me that I was an accident and that nobody wanted me when I was born because I was too ugly. She told me that my grandmother cried when she knew my mother was pregnant with me and that she, my mother, had no choice but to have me even though she didn’t want me. And after I was born she said the doctor brought me out and even though my dad and my grandparents were all there nobody wanted to take the baby from the doctor because I was too dark and ugly. Finally the doctor was surprised and looking at everyone’s faces at which point my grandmother felt bad and so she took me. I have heard this story time in and time out all through out my childhood. It was as if my mother felt some sort of satisfaction or gratification in telling this story to me over and over again. She would laugh while telling it as if it was some joke. But as a child I couldn’t understand why it was funny. Every time the story was told, I’d just sit there silently while everyone else laughed. Anyways, that is how I came into this world. A miserable ugly wretch, unwanted by my own parents and grandparents.

This was just a passive form of abuse. The more active form started later on in my teens. I used to have problems with my friends and I used to go to my mother for advice. She would listen to me and always point out that it was my fault that I was having problems and when we had fights she would always say that my friends didn’t like me because “how could anybody like you when your own mother doesn’t like you”. This rings in my head every time I meet somebody. Its so painful to hear those words in my head. I always expect people to eventually dislike me and leave me. I was so surprised when someone fell in love with me. I guess I was expecting it to eventually fall apart because I always had this phrase ringing in my head. It was like how could anyone love me when people don’t even like me. I guess that’s why I behaved in a self destructive manner by screwing up everything including my career to be with him. I just couldn’t believe that some one loved me and I just held on to it with all my might. But that move was just another nail in my coffin.

And then a lot of stuff happened with this relationship. He was a bit controlling and his parents didn’t like me. We were engaged and about to get married but the parents called off the wedding at the last moment. Anyways these things just dragged me deeper and deeper into my depressive state until it became almost unbearable. I developed a lot of anti-social behaviors. I found it difficult to talk with people if there are many people there. I just got stuck, blacked out, nothing came to mind and I just sat there like an idiot. It still happens to me even now. I get scared that if I say something people will dislike me and leave. It made me more irritated and trivial things set me off into anxiety attacks. I used to scream in my room for hours like a crazy person. And I used to get into fights with my mother and when my brother was there when this happened he would beat me. I’d have bruises all over me afterwards. But my mother would always defend my brother and say that it was my fault for aggravating him. I couldn’t do anything. I’d just cover all my bruises the best I can and get on with my life because I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

Things didn’t get any better after I started working. The panic attacks worsened and I started becoming suicidal. That’s when I decided to seek help and I went to see a psychiatrist all on my own one day after a failed suicide attempt. The f***er gave me anti-depressants after talking to me for 5 mins and sent me off on my way and moved on to the next patient. I was patient number 50. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I took the meds as directed in the morning and it made me feel better, but as it wore off towards the evening I felt more agitated than ever and the anxiety attacks were worse. So I stopped them. Then I told this to my mother and I asked them to please take me somewhere where I can get help. But they didn’t really understand the situation and the main thing they were concerned about was bumping into someone we know while at a psychiatrists place and about people finding out their perfect little girl was f***ed up. So they told me “lets do it once we go abroad”. So after I quit my job and went to where my dad worked, I decided to bring this up again because they seemed to have forgotten it and they acted as if everything was okay. I had never talked about this with both my parents so I sat them both down and I told them “look here, there is something wrong with me. I am sad all the time and suicidal at times. Maybe I should get help before I start on anything else.” Well they listened at the time but they didn’t do anything.

While all this was going on I also went through a couple of failed relationships. I guess I just make myself a doormat to please them because I can’t believe someone would be interested in me. So they wipe their feet on me and leave me to clean up the mess. After the first relationship the next two were much older guys. The second was 8 years my senior and all he wanted was to have fun. I didn’t see it. It ended up in him using me and throwing me out of his life once he was done without so much as a decent apology. A few months ago, this jerk-off got married and he sent me an invite on LinkedIn to get back in touch with me and to let me know of this. The next guy was 10 years my senior. He lied about his age at first but I let it go because we really connected. After a couple of months, he disappeared. His number didn’t work and I couldn’t contact him through any other means. This took a huge toll on my already fragile mental state. When I Googled his name, I couldn’t find anyone with that name and the details he had given me. He said he didn’t use Facebook and I didn’t bother to check this stuff. After searching the web using countless search terms, I came across this guy having the same details but a different name. And to my surprise, this guy was on Facebook and it turned out that it was him and he was married. They had just celebrated their 7th anniversary around the time he met me.

I guess you can imagine what all this did to my already fragile self-confidence and mental state. After all this, I went back to guy number one and we decided to get married, even though the situation was not ideal, what with all his parents objections. But it turned out to be a classic case of marrying in haste and repenting in leisure. I had developed a few bad habits along the way and having a few drinks(alcohol) was one of them. He didn’t like it and we fight about it all the time. He knows about my problems but he pretends that there is nothing wrong with me. He gets annoyed with me when I get depressed. Just like my parents. he doesn’t understand my condition either.

After laying out all the facts like this, I can see that I have taken many wrong turns. Hindsight, as they say, is a wonderful thing but I don’t see how it can help my situation though. Maybe its evolution at work. Maybe I am a weak mutation which is not to survive for the sake of evolution. I don’t really understand all the reasons as to why I am where I am right now. But at the end of the day, I don’t hate anyone. I refuse to die with hatred in my heart. My parents may have made mistakes but I know they never meant to hurt me. My brother treated me the way he did because he didn’t know what he was doing to me and because he too was damaged in a different way. The guys I loved treated me the way they did because I let them treat me that way. There is no point in hating them for it. So at the end of the day, I forgive them all and I do not hate them. I was just not meant to live. I was just not fit for this world. Its just the process of natural selection at work. I know my actions will hurt the people around me. I just hope they can forgive me and that they can move on with their lives without letting my actions have too much of a negative impact on their lives. I maybe naive to hope that but that is all I can do.

I’m sorry..