Life is just so hard.. I don’t understand how anyone can do it with a genuine smile on their face. Do people really truly feel happiness? My life really isn’t that bad, I have both my parents who care about me, a loving boyfriend, and am currently in high school. It’s just that everyday is a struggle.. I wake up in the morning with such an empty feeling, like a hole in my heart, and I wish I could just sleep and never wake up again. I feel so alone.. I just want someone to talk to.. But even if someone is there willing to talk to me, I don’t know what to say.. I choke up. I cry.
It’s so easy to convince myself that nobody cares, that no one will notice if I’m gone. It’s so easy to think that no one loves me, how could they? I feel like I can’t do anything right.. People don’t know how their words affect me, how their absence of words affect me. I feel guilty to laying my feelings down on my boyfriend, it makes him feel bad, but I do it anyways. He’s so caring and I know he worries about me, but I just don’t know what to do.. I’m very good at pretending to be happy.. But I just feel so empty. Sometimes I just pray that I’ll just die in my sleep so I won’t have to think or feel anymore, so I can just disappear..
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Life is hard. You are correct about that. About happiness being real? Look at a child. You can find a child with absolutely nothing who wouldn’t have it any other way. Happiness is truth. It’s honesty and love. It’s the bellyflies you get when your boyfriend says something sweet. It’s that drop of honey in your tea that makes your sore throat feel better. It’s the greenest of grass. It’s real, and you will find it, soon. High school is the hardest part of life, if you ask me. But you can do it. Promise.
I’m very good at pretending to be happy..
I actually don’t think it is possible.
You can enter into an experience thinking I don’t really feel it but am going to make the best of it for the sake of everyone and then after the experience reflect back and make the judgment that you were only pretending.
But if during the experience you actually pulled it off what really happened?
What is this thing call happiness?
What is it we do and experience when we pretend to be experiencing it?
What if it’s the reflection and judgment on the experience which is the problem?
A self reflection that traps us in the past of ‘if only’ and future of imagined something we can’t even name.
What if it’s all just a problem of pointless measurement, measuring happiness with undefined units of something’s?
No wonder on self reflection it always feels like pretending.
If you can fake it you must also have it!
What if the next time you reflect on your experience you don’t label or measure it at all.
We all start and enter into a moment with what fells like some level of pretense. We are uncertain, our minds are on other stories yet necessity calls us to this moment and so we enter.
How many times have you entered into an actively, gone to the gym, gone to work, whatever, and not felt like it and after glad that you did perhaps even because of the difficulties you had in getting going.
Everyone thinks they are pretending in some form or another, everyone! Some are better at hiding it then others but everyone feels this way. Everyone enters into a moment, no matter how well they have prepared no knowing how everything will turn out. No one likes uncertainty, but the best smile, even as they tremble inside, face and step in. Sure after if they reflect on it they might label the smile a pretence but then if they go a little deeper they might discover this pretence was real all along.