hi, i’m not a good writer, so i’ll just lay it out.  im 32, ive spent the last four years busting my ass to get into grad school. I have always been depressed, but I don’t remember much from before my dad died. Last may I found out I was gonna have a son. In Sept my mom died. In Dec my baby was born. This semester was a blur, but I managed to fail the GRE, get rejected from grad school, fail a critical class, but I managed to walk with my class back in may. My aunt has just been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been off of my meds for about a month now, and it is all beginning to fall apart. Its obvious my wife hasn’t really wanted me for a long time now, probably since before we got pregnant. She sees me as a weight around her neck. I’m worried about my son when he gets older, because depression is hereditary, as is addiction. Images of suicide have plagued me EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY for as long as I can remember. It has always been an option for me, but now things are different. I still have nothing but the most sincerest of hatred of myself, and the world I was born into. Most of the time, my bad thoughts are of killing myself in the most violent, shocking, and public of ways just to show everyone just how bad it hurts in the hopes of changing something I hate. The clock is ticking now. If I do it, it needs to happen before my baby boy starts forming memories, or risk imprinting him with that upon his already comprimised brain. I don’t know what to do now, nor have I ever. I love my family. I don’t want to let them down, but that is inevidible. The choice before me now is to end their disappointment quickly or continue to be the consistent disappointment I am, dragging them down for the next however long. I’m probably keep putting it off until nature finally gets me, but it seems worse every single day. I’ve never told this to anyone. You guys know more about me than my family now. Thank you all for giving me a place to talk, even if it is not spoken out loud.