I’ve just joined the site, and this is my first post. I probably won’t write much because I can’t be bothered- nothing is worth bothering with for me. I’m one of those people that passes everybody by where it matters.
I’m 36, I’ve had great chances in life, but blown them all. I’m female, and single. I’ve mostly always been that way, regardless of the fact that i’m a ‘head turner’. It doesn’t mean shit when I don’t have a job, I lost my only baby (pregnancy), my only ever real boyfriend (he walked out in the night whilst I was sleeping and left me in debt), and I had to move back in with my bloody parents. That was 3 years ago.I’m jobless, I have almost completed a college diploma I began a year ago in order to get my life back on track, but no one will give me a job.
My mother has always been cold towards me and put me down, my totally non-maternal sister has had a baby who I adore but has never been anything but cold towards me for no reason and has never once invited me to come and spend time with my niece.
I have a zero social life and no friends. I am on a dating site, but men seem incapable of seeing anything past my appearance. I have a great sense of humour, loads of interests, but waste my days getting no exercise or going anywhere. Apart from college once a week and the job centre, I rarely see anyone.
I’ve tried suicide several times in the past over the years but been unsuccessful. The ONLY thing that is holding me back is not having the means or the privacy to actually collect all my personal things together, including my diaries so I can burn them.
I have virtually no privacy whatsoever, even though I crave being alone, which I never seem to get. When I do get to be alone, I don’t even do anything constructive.
I’m a waster, and I don’t deserve the beautiful privelige of life because other people make the most of theirs, and I do absolutely nothing with mine, day in and day out.
I am a loser, and an embarrassment.
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10 comments
You didn’t call it “Udderly Useless,” so at least your spelling’s good.
Udderly is wrong?
O wait till the people in the south find out about this!
(Me being one of them)
Udderly is okay. Maybe “udderly useless” could be good.. I’m a Yankee it’s not coming to me. Lil’ help?
Well I reckon it’s purdy good 🙂
LOL forsaken one 🙂 prit near purdy good’s daggum right as rain near as I can figure.
I’m 53 and out of work, and with no real marketable job skills. I see other people making the most of their lives, but I’ve managed to waste way too many years too.
I d like to exchange some thoughts with you if you want that too. There is definitely a lot to be ‘seen’ beyond our appearances. Like most of us you probably feel at level zero and feel that nothing can be changed anymore. The truth is that there might be some things one could change in this state of mind. For some might work for some might not. Life is a lottery of sorts.
Hi! 🙂
First of all i would like to tell you something about my life.
I’m a 35yr old male and almost exactly the same problem as you – although i m not so good looking anymore.
I also had great chances in my life and ruined them all.
I’ve been on the edge of suicide sometimes, and yeah still maybe but i m fighting.
I’ve been alone of most of my life, mainly because i was /am so shy.
Many many people of this age are looking for sex etc,
and they really don’t care about our feelings at heart.
When i was like 20-25 i found a GF, so beautiful, i devoted my life, soul, body, mind to her and so on.. When it ended (my mistake mainly – can’t remember exactly) I was so close on killing myself. I remember trying to drive my car into my parents place but my heart was so much in pieces that i HONESTLY couldn’t. It was spring or autumn and i pulled my car into some resting area and cried and cried for hours and even that didn’t help.
The only one who saved me was my father, that i do remember.
Some of us are so fragile.
There’s nothing bad in it. I wish you all the best
and would like to add that i understand your sorrow.
My spelling is virtually impeccable; but that’s not going to improve my life now, is it?
Thanks for the understanding comments. I’ve always known that I am most probably going to be the one that ends my life. I hate feeling like this. The simple things in life are the ones that so many take for granted. It’s ok for people to say that we are all capable of changing things- and I do- I even moved abroad once (I welcome complete change as opposed to fearing it).
But my life always seems to wind up bringing me back to Square One. Every single time. When I’ve got a job, I can get a flat again, and hopefully I’ll then become someone people are interested in knowing…and then I can meet a nice man and have a family (once my fertility problems are dealt with via IVF). But I am sick of waiting, and I am sick of being told that ‘one day….’ That ‘one day’ seems an awful long way off….