I am praying that I don’t wake up in the morning. I usually do this each night before I go to bed now. I don’t yet have the courage to end things myself but I keep thinking each day I will get braver. I know why I want to end my life would seem rediculas to many. silly.. but the pain my heart and mind are in is unbearable to me. I do not want to hear it will get better. that I will heal that there is other options or that someone out there cares. or will love me. I can not even begin to belive that is possable.
For the last 7 years the only person I have ever truly believed in and thought of as my soul mate has been betraying me. lying to me and destroying our marriage. it meant nothing to him to do it. never thought about what h was doing. never cared enough about me to be honest with me. I failed him and disappointed him long ago.. so in turn he has been “cheating ” on me.. to ME it is cheating. he has spent over 20 K in the last 7 ears talking to on line whores. spending money we don’t have. we are in debt.. some months barley scraping by.. I almost never buy anything for me.. have had a broken engagement ring for 4 years because I could not justify to myself spending 275 bucks on something that would not benefit our family. Our children need dressers.. he has made me feel bad for even spending 4 bucks on a coffee for myself or wanting to buy fast food.. like I spend all our money and I felt bad.. I tried to be good.. but in one night alone he had dropped 1200 plus on talking to on line hookers… he has gone 3 years without giving me a complement that I did not literally ask for.. with how do I look? do you like this? we have had very little sex life.. he was just not interested.. he would say he was getting older… his libido was not what it use to be (he is 30) yet he can spend over 6 hours speaking to whores and jerking off… he had so many chances to tell me the truth.. but didnt till it was going to be discovered.. and then still held back truths like he had several e mail accounts and had joined hundreds of sex chats sex sites dating sites exchanged personal e mails and pictures and video chatted and im chatted (he used fake pictures f a monster sized black mans penis he himself is a decent sized scrawny white guy though)… he has tarnished everything in my life… our wedding engagement our conceiving our children both times when we were supposed to be abstaining 3 days before trying.. he was on this site jerking off… my pregnancy’s.. and when I was in hospital recovering from emergency c section with our first and then hours before we were going in to have our second… on my birthday on his… im so heart sick so depressed I just dont want to wake up to this being my life any more… I love him so much… I want to be with him.. how?? I can never trust him… I find everything he dose suspect… I hurt so bad.. my mind can not stop dwelling on this.. I am not good enough was never good enough to be faithful to or honest with… he will always want more because I was his only one.. and I can not deal with that.. he says he wants to fix things but I dont think there is a way… I really just want to die.. I dont want to wake up.. I just need courage.. please pray… that I dont wake up one day.. that I find courage.. that …I wont hurt any more..
5 comments
At some point, this unhappiness becomes your own fault for not leaving him. You know how he is and will continue to be and yet you stay, hoping he will change.
With the helplessness of knowing that he won’t change and fighting for something that has been over for years, you now wish to just give up and die instead of taking the actions and the responsibility needed to make yourself happy in a different situation.
I know you are here because of pain, and I am sorry for what you are experiencing, but you need to leave this man and stand on your own unless you want to live like this until it’s too late to do anything about it anymore.
when srilankans insult or say something godless in return will be pure hatred. today the police are going to come and put you in jail. lets get the criminal. make sure everybody has seen the criminal. the 6 year old in a blue dress is a pervert!! LETS STOP THIS PERVERT. FORCE FEED HER KIDS…STARE AT SOME MAN WHO IS MADE FOR THE LOVELIEST GIRL(ALREADY KNEW AND PLANNED) YET THE MADE ME STARE AND STARE AND FOOL MY MIND BC I’M A GULLIBLE FAT PIG AND THEY WANTED TO CAUSE THE MOST CRUELTY. ask rajes for u know what bc you are a bad woman who asks men for sex and repulses male gods. UGLY FAT FUCK. that was her on the cloud with the dainty lovely angels around her, some bad woman they force a fuckin ponytail on and make into a concrete antichrist piece of crap. she has to stay in one room her whole life while everyone goes to parties and has friends and love. i had sham friendships with ppl who force fed me.
I only recently found out.. and he only recently admitted it is an addiction and is seeking help. I feel I owe him the chance to try and get better ans support him.. but at the same time I am having a hard time dealing. and im never going to forget what he did.. or what he had been doing at some of the most important moments in my life. I truly and with all my heart think it would just be better not to wake up.
WTF???? I.. I don’t even understand that… it is all over the place!
i would say leave the guy. hes been doing this for 7 years now. people don’t change that quickly. at least distance yourself from him enough so you can heal from the pain. hope you can figure sommething out.