It’s taken me my whole life to realise that have never been “happy.” I was never happy as a child, tween, and now into my teenage years, my sad feelings have developed into anxiety, anorexia, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. I turned to drug use and alcohol. I still smoke and drink a lot. I have these sleeping pills and sometimes I just hold them and think about how easy it would be to just go. I am disgusted by my body and spirit. I think sometimes, it’s not worth living if I can’t even love myself. I have been trying to like my body for years, but I just can’t do it. I started cutting seriously a few days ago and it’s like the only thing that makes me feel better when I’m sober… except for One Direction. I’m not being ironic, although it sure sounds like it. Being in the One Direction fandom has brought me closer to so many people even though we are miles apart. Lately though, my thoughts of suicide have been increasing and strangely enough, I don’t want to get better. I have known only sadness for so much of my life, that if it goes, I don’t think that there will be anything interesting anymore. Honestly, being depressed is just so normal and almost comforting now that I just want it like this but I also don’t want to have my body.