So my depression started when i was bullied severely in middle school and summer camp, people really don’t know how much this messes up a person. I became introverted and started thinking of my own death constantly at a young age , to the people that say it gets better i just have to laugh. Because now that I am older I found out that I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, and not to mention I am a 30 year old unsuccessful virgin that also has erectile dysfunction. It seems that God is just laughing at me just like the builles did when I was a kid, because no one is going to want to be in a relationship with someone that has a mental illness and erectile dysfunction.  I was also stalked and heavily cyber bullied a few years ago  which was the last straw that made me attempt suicide. I wish it was successful but my family member had to surprisingly come home and catch me writing my suicide note.
I was on the path to recovery but no matter what I try nothing interests me; I have been to music concerts, plays, bars, baseball games and festivals and more and I am just apathetic towards everything. It seems that nothing makes me happy, my former hobbies do nothing for me anymore and it is very frustrating. Â Everyday I was I wish never born, or wish my suicide plan went through, I’m also tired of being a failure, a loser, and tired of having to put more than double (almost triple) effort to learn something compared to the average person because I have no talent. It is also very frustrating watching my friends and family members succeed because of the talent they have and they didn’t have to struggle as hard to learn their profession. I am also tired of hating everything about myself.
I just want to be happy and be at peace, but suicide seems like the only answer. However, Â I am waiting on it because my family needs me to take care of the dog. My other plan was to kill myself when I hit 30, but If I am in this same state at 40 years old than I am killing myself because living everyday is painful. My depression gets worse when i am alone because suicide takes up most of my thoughts then, I am not sure if I can hold on and make it till 40.
3 comments
FIRST GOD IS NOT LAUGHING AT YOU
HE LOVES YOU DO MUCH AND THANK GOD YOUR PLANS TO KILL YOUR SELF KEEP FALLIN
LISTEN I WANTED TO KILL MY SELF MANY TIMES BUT THANK GOD
I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ASK GOD FOE HELP LISTEN TO GOSPEL MUSIC IT WILL HELP YOU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WpE2iVNICE LOVE JOHN
Might be out of your interests.. but have you tried online gaming? It’s like being thrown into a social network where everyone has a common interest and something to talk about. Some people I”ve met in games I still talk to long after I quit, we meet up sometimes and just catch up. They’re also some of the most reliable people I know because they don’t have much going on either..
Hey bud, I’m about your age. I can relate to the fear of the crossroads we have to face in our lives eventually. It’s scary, I know. Your a strong minded individual, I’m sure. And you have to have some craftiness about you I’m sure. I understand what it’s like to feel like maybe you haven’t developed completely into the person you wanted to be..the person you should have been. And saying goodbye to dreams doesn’t have to mean saying goodbye to life. You can always keep trying, but no matter what staying focused on the road ahead. You make your own choices in life even if it’s to end it. That’s the true freedom of life. Knowing that if putting up with the pain doesn’t pay off..we can do the next best thing. End the pain.
But I hope you keep fighting. Good luck.