I think I’m on my way

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues, as well as PTSD a few months ago now. I’ve had a doctor, a counsellor, a psychologist and a psychiatrist all working really hard with me to try and straighten some stuff out, and we were doing really well for a while there. I took all the meds, I answered all the questions, I attended every appointment, I talked, I listened, I did everything they all said. But I am so tired and so worn down, that I think I’ve finally had enough.

I cancelled my psychologist appointment this week. She is an incredibly talented woman, so good at her job. But my head is defective, so I am wasting her time. I’ll go to my last psychiatrist appointment because I can’t afford the cancellation fee, but I won’t book another. The dr and counsellor don’t even need to know.

Trying to fix this is futile. The black cloud in my head will never disappear, just be temporarily muted. There is no escape for me. Just a weight on my chest and an anchor fixed to my heart. I’m just waiting now, for when my plans are backed with purpose.

I have no time or date, but I truly believe this is it. I’ll pack up my room, rehome my dog, separate from friends and just disappear.

Oblivion is such a beautiful concept. Silence is my utopia. I’ve found my corner, and finally discovered that the only way out is down.