I am sort of in a conundrum and I would like advice.
I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I am in a group of friends that are all dating(or at least have someone), and they were trying to set me up with people. They think that me getting a boyfriend would somehow cure my depression. Well I got set up with this guy. He is a lot like me, he is battling depression and is super awkward.
But I don’t know honestly. I don’t know if I am pretending to like him just for my friends sake, or maybe I’m just overthinking everything. But we went on a date and he put his arm around me, and I felt nothing. No emotions, I just wanted to go home and leave as soon as I could.Is this just my depression telling me I don’t deserve happiness? Or is it that I have lost all emotions and can’t feel affection anymore? Or am I just being selfish and should just keep trying?
Please respond.
11 comments
That’s complicated… because in the end only you know how you really feel… i wonder, have you lost all emotions around other people as well?, or was it just with him? that might answer your question.
You should really not have to force yourself in order to follow your friends idea of what they think might be good for you (even if they do it in good intention). Maybe just be friends and see if it goes anywhere from there?.
Depression will say a lot of things and 9 times out of 10 it is straight out lies. Perhaps you’ve lost “some” emotion, as whenever I am embraced by others I tend to disregard it and say “meh.” But in a way, this could be you being selfish towards yourself by denying any sort of connection with others. I’d advise to keep trying, but put in some real effort as well, if you 100% feel it will be worth trying to work through. If you have even the slightest of doubt, it is best not to pursue this relationship any further and search for other options or go on hiatus to compose yourself.
That’s probably the best I can offer, sorry. Hope this helps.
sounds like you are dating just o be accepted by peers and it isnt in you to do so at this time.
Match making rarely works anyway.
There could be many reasons why you felt nothing, but the entire “setup” is going to cause false expectations to begin with.
You don’t mee quality partners this way.
^^^ Keief and RogueLonesome made some very valid points.
I would advise steering away from being forced into things your friends want you to do. Don’t feel pressured to date especially if you have problems of your own.
I would say before heading first into a relationship try to get out of the hole of depression. Not only will you feel confident and happy, you will also posses optimism for a relationship to come and that will be very beneficial to its development. It would also lesses burdens in the relationship and you both can just worry about being a couple and making memories.
As for the guy your friends helped out, I would advise to remain friends for the time being. Even become a source of support for each other, and who knows what will become of your relationship with him after you both bloom from depression.
But question why and seek the root to why you feel less emotion. But I do know the black dog of depression can numb and kill a lot of the good emotions we have.Your not selfish, you just need to learn how to tap back into your emotions again, kinda like learning to love again.
I hope I helped, take care.
It is more likely that you just don’t have any feelings toward him. I would think that if you did have feelings toward him, the depression would rather make you “sabotage” the relationship rather than not feeling anything.
I my self have a rule, and it need not apply to anyone else, to not get involved with a person also struggling with depression (at least not clinical depression). The problem I have found is that it feeds off of each other and as a couple you tend to validate your actions against your partner. If both are in a unstable state, there isn’t a clear thought between you and it becomes dangerous.
I don’t know you but in my own experience I believe you should feel something. I’m empty most of the time partly because I take a lot of anti-deppressants and partly because I’ve gotten more numb through the years from my deppression. I’m pretty damn sure you can love someone, either you’re not seeing this guy clearly or he’s just not the one you’re looking for, simple as that.
You’re not selfish, it’s sweet wanting to help and save people from harm but if you commit too much without gaining anything yourself you’ll just end up destroying yourself. More importantly I think you need to trust yourself more, remember that all people are crazy in someones eyes, so, just do what you feel like 🙂
take care, I’ll be here if you need me!
Thank you all so much for the feedback. It was very uplifting reading the advice you posted. I got out of that mess even though it did cost a friendship. I was honestly confused and hurt that I had no feelings for that guy. But my friends now know that a boyfriend wont cure me. Thank you all so much for everything, you don’t know how much those comments meant to me.
@Thesuicidalfreak
Glad that I/we could be of some assistance to you. I feel the same too, as I’ve getting a girlfriend won’t help. I’m not sure if love will…help either as it’s such a confusing emotion. Is this the same for you or not at all?
I just kind of found myself in a place where I just didn’t want to be in. For me love just isn’t what I want. I have no desire to have romantic feelings for another man, it just seems to make my depression worse. @Rare Echelon
Okay, I can appreciate that.
Well, I’m inclined to hope that you will continue trying. Who knows, it might just take a certain spark to reignite that flame in your heart. Maybe if you let someone else have affection for you, you can rediscover how it feels again, even if you do not express desire in them. If that makes sense.
Hopefully some day that will happen. Thanks again 🙂