It seems to be a lot easier to share things here than it is in real life, so- to mark the fact I have put on half a stone (which makes me feel quite disgusting) I really wanted to share my depression and eating disorder story. There’s definitely a lot more to it than an emotionally abusive relationship, but that’s the shortest, and easiest, explanation. I must have been about 14 when I first started going out with this guy. I was at that awkward age where I was terribly unsure about myself and hopelessly desperate for acceptance. That acceptance came in the form of a boy, called John, who was two years older than me. In hindsight, it’s obvious that John had some deep rooted self esteem issues, which I guess he must have projected onto me. But, at the time, when he told me that I was fat (at 8 and a half stone, it was definitely not the most accurate of comments) and that if I just went running a bit more, maybe I’d be more attractive, I thought that I needed to change myself in order to get him to accept me. So I started making myself sick. He took my virginity, aged 14 and I was convinced that it was love, and that we were going to spend the rest our lives together, because at 14, I was incredibly naive. I guess this just made his control over me even more powerful, he used to flirt with my best friends and he cheated on me multiple times but I didn’t want to leave because I thought that no one else could possibly love me. When I finally came to my senses two years later, and broke up with this guy who was tearing my confidence to shreds, it was because I had met the most amazing boy who made me feel pretty. I shared a wonderful year and a half with this boy, and he showed me that I deserved so much more that what I had been getting. But during this year, my depression was getting worse and worse. Although my eating issues had become slightly better, the depression was worse than ever due to a number of family issues. I became quite dependent on my boyfriend, and it really put a strain on our relationship (I didn’t really feel like I could confide in anyone as much as him). When I went off to university (with the struggles of new friends, new city, away from home) it had just become too much for him, and he broke up with up with me. I was absolutely devastated and my ways of coping were cutting myself, restricting my food intake, throwing up and sleeping with absolutely everyone. I realized I needed to get more help when I over dosed and ended up in A&E. Since then, I’ve been put onto sertraline, and given weekly therapy plus a discussion group. I’m feeling less low (although I still have bad days) and I’ve also dealt with some eating issues (including trying to stop my habit of only eating ‘safe foods’) and I’ve put on half a stone. So that is my story, and although I’m definitely not happy at the moment, hopefully I won’t ever go back to that place where I thought that overdosing was the only way and also I think I’ve realized that one day I will be happy, and this experience will make me a stronger person.
Yes I’ve put on a stone, and yes I’m at the point where I can’t really function without sertraline but I do know that one day it’s going to get better 🙂
11 comments
Thank you for your story. I’m sorry about this guy who made you miserable, but I’m happy to see that you realize that you worth more than this.
Keep hanging on, and you can always post here, you are not alone.
Thank you so much, that’s really lovely!
No problem really. And by the way, you look really pretty. Please stop worrying about your weight if you still do !
I’m getting there, I think before it was more I thought that if I was thinner I’d be happier (not the case) but I’m learning to be okay with the size that I am 🙂
That’s really great. Keep going, you should be proud of yourself.
Whitewinterhymnal, thanks for sharing, as long as your weight is not dangerously thin or dangerously heavy then I don’t see any real problems with it. As you found out happiness is not a number of pounds. Keep up the positive attitude it can be hard but really helps.
A story of hope this most definitely is, thank you for sharing with us.
I used to struggle with an ED quite a number of years ago, it did it’s damage and I eventually learnt to accept my own body image after realising I was starting to become a near skeletal figure. I’m a pretty healthy weight now, and very happy with it. I am glad to see that this is the same with you. I share TheGlassChild’s sentiments, you are very pretty indeed. I have confidence you’ll cope out there and find new love, something tangible that you can grasp with both hands.
Stay focused, treat your body as the finely tuned machine that it is, and never give up hope of finding love.
Good luck out there, take care. 🙂
Thank you so much, I’m starting to realize this too. I could always appreciate that ‘curvy’ girls were definitely beautiful, it’s just for some reason I had this unrealistic obsession with making myself sketetal (which probably wouldn’t have been attractive at all). I’m accepting that as long as you’re healthy and not putting your body at risk then your body is beautiful, whatever size that may be
And RogueLonesome I’m really proud of you for managing to realize the effect you were having on your body, and for managing to do something about it- managing to get over eating issues is a lot harder than people seem to understand. And thank you so much, your comment made me smile!
Well, I sure do like bringing smiles to people’s faces, it makes it all worthwhile. It took two years at the most for me to overcome it fully. But I found a meaning in life through both high school sport (Rugby) and the military that without a doubt made me really look after my weight/image.
I like to think you already are a very, very strong person. It’s one thing to be battling a disorder of sorts, but throwing a failed relationship and university into the mix? That takes guts, and you M’lady have definitely got the strength. You don’t nees reminding, but I’d like to add that you need not put yourself out there to cope or feel some sort of comfort. You’re a special girl, even a fool could see that. So have a lil’ faith, give it some time and someone will come into your life that will love and adore you for the woman you are.
Im glad to hear you are doing better. I wish you continues success and finding true happiness.
remember if someone judges you for your looks, whatever that might be, they aren’t worth knowing to begin with.
My story is very severe, still continues for me in a different manner.
I know your pain, but have hope, and pray to God for His help 🙂 It works, it has, is, and continues to work for me.