Just Too Tired

Ever been woken at 3 am? Remember being sooo tired that you can hardly move?

Now imagine you’re cold but too tired to get up to get an extra blanket.
Or maybe you have to go to the bathroom but you’re too tired.
Have you ever fallen asleep in an uncomfortable spot, e.g., your car, the living room floor, etc. but you’re too tired to get up?

That’s how I feel when I’m at my lowest point of depression & when I have my strongest desire to leave.

I may want to “get up” but I cannot. I’m just “too tired”. The thought of getting showered, dressed and out the door seems like a feat too large to handle. I want to stay in bed. I want to numb my pain with pills, booze, tv, etc.

Turn off my electricity, repossess my car, fire me from my job…I don’t have the will to care. I’m too hurt, too broken just too tired to care.

What about family, friends, people who care, etc.? It’s not that I don’t care about their well-being; it’s that I don’t have the mental strength to care about my own safety & well-being so at that low moment….I cannot think about the well-being of others.

No one could hate me more than I hate myself, but if someone hated me for not caring it would only strengthen my case to leave.

I can’t talk to anyone about my emptiness. I hate thinking about or discussing my pain.

Back to pills, booze, tv, etc., until these don’t work anymore.
And then……