Back to this again

Edit: Wow… No comments, and my post is buried on page 3 (currently). It’s time for death I believe.

Well, seems I cannot escape suicidal feelings. I was sure I’d go through with killing myself the last time I was here… but… I hung-on. Things got better. Now everything is downhill again. (Or uphill, depending on your view.)

I was jobless, and felt unloved. I met some people, re-connected with old friends. It seemed like things were improving. As usual, it was an illusion. I always end-up back where I started. Having nothing, and being alone.

My dog is getting put down next week. He’s old, and he’s suffering. I’ve tried to keep him alive while he’s been in pain for the past 2 years. But I can’t deal with it anymore. I cannot afford his medical care… because I’m a failure. I cannot hold down a job or manage my money. It’s my fault. I am solely responsible for his suffering, and his condition. Now, I have to kill him… or make him suffer until he dies. I lose either way.

Years ago, I made a pact with myself to commit suicide if I didn’t have my life together by the time my dog dies. Seemed reasonable at the time. Now it’s here, staring me in the face.

To be clear, this isn’t about a dog. This is about me. I have nothing to live for. I’m 33, I have no kids, no job, no girlfriend, no boyfriend… I just live alone with my dogs. I’ve tried to improve myself. I’ve tried to accomplish something. It seems… I’m not good at anything. I lose at almost every game I play online. It makes no sense, but there isn’t a single game on this earth I’m good at. Why? Why am I bad at games I have literally played my ENTIRE LIFE?! How is it that anyone is better?

All my siblings hate me. They have all broken contact with me. All five. Why? Because I was critical of them. Because I gave them advice. Because I questioned the decisions they’ve made in life. In general, my family wants nothing to do with me. They never call, and they never visit. Most of them live a short 10 minute drive from my home. Most of them have never even SEEN my home. They don’t care. I am the black sheep of the family.

But whatever… doesn’t matter. I’m going to die someday. It can be today or 30-40 years from now. I don’t see how it matters. I don’t know that I have anyone around that really cares. I have friends, but they don’t want me around because I’m poor. I never have money, so they just see me as a mooch.

I’ve spent a lot of time alone, and I know I won’t find love. I am physically unattractive. I have no money, no job… I have nothing to offer a potential mate. I can’t even get super-drunk girls. On the rare chance they speak to me, within minutes they decide to move on. I want to be in love… or just have sex, without having to pay.

So… that’s it I guess. I wish I could die. I’m too much of a coward to do anything now. Too afraid of rejection, afraid of death, afraid of living, afraid of being alone until I die of old age in a nursing home. Every time I get positive, life reminds me that it hates me, and it always will.