I was born disabled. My disability is not something that can be seen physically, or even be cured medically. At first I didn’t recognize my differences from others. But all my life I have been feeling it, and even unconsciously struggling to mend it. I was so confused because I didn’t even understand what’s wrong with me. I thought by knowing what’s wrong with me, I could cure it. But I had never understood, so I gave up and started to accept that I would always be like this. Turn out, I was wrong and I was right. I was wrong because even knowing what’s wrong with me, I couldn’t cure it. In truth, knowing it only makes me more miserable. I guess it’s true that knowledge is such a sin. Without knowledge, people can live contently. So I was right, I have to live with it for the rest of my life since I can’t cure it.
What is it, you might ask? It’s myself. Turn out, I have bad personalities. I was born villainous. I hurt people since I was a kid, deliberately or not. I have had the urge to do bad things, even when I am already old enough to know logically and emphatically that it’s bad. Sometimes I can stop myself in time. Other times, I only realize what I have done after I start doing it / have done it. I punish myself for what I have done and what I might do. I push people away from me. I don’t believe there’s anyone who could love me (my personality). I am incapable of receiving love. I don’t deserve to be loved.
And yet.. Yet, I am starving for love. I can’t ever feel full of love. I will always yearn it because I don’t believe the words “I love you” when I know I am a villain. After all, evil things deserve to die, not be loved, don’t they?
My parents love me, unconditionally. They are two people to whom I cause grievance the most. And I am very very sorry.
18 comments
In your February 5th note, you wondered about seeking professional help. That might be helpful. It seems that you’ve identified a challenging situation (how you act) but you’re having a difficult time solving it or developing strategies. There is nothing wrong with that… and, from personal experience, I’ve found it helpful to connect with someone.
Great rant. Thanks for writing. I don’t know how to help, but I can hear and understand what you’re saying. Well, there’s one thing; You said there’s no one who could love your personality. That’s true. No one can love a personality. You can be obsessed by a personality. You can like or dislike and have opinions on a personality. But to love someone is not to love their personality. The truth is that you’re NOT your personality. Personality is like having ten toes, like having dirt under your fingernails…it’s just something you have acquired, not who you are. You pick up life experiences as you live, maybe even you have experiences left over from past lives. You now think you’re all these past experiences..that those experiences are you. Nope! So, the trick is to separate YOU from past experiences. That’s the tricky part!! A psychiatrist won’t help you, drugs won’t help you, …. only you can help you by sitting, being with yourself and facing yourself…your demons. A Good read might be Dispelling Wetiko, Breaking the
Curse of Evil by Paul Leavy. He’s got some good video’s also.FYI. Good luck, my friend.
And by the way.. I love you. I love you for having the courage to begin to unravel yourself, face your demons. It may not feel like it, but you’re on your way.
Randall, I mean this comment respectfully.
Above, you wrote:
“A psychiatrist won’t help you, drugs won’t help you,”
On another post this morning, you commented:
“I find my mental state runs like a roller coaster. Up…then down.. and round and round. I get really tired of being dragged around by my mental state! Aren’t you sick and tired of being a slave to your mental state? I hate it. There’s got to be a way out of this freaking crazy side show circus we call our mental state!”
Perhaps a psychiatrist or medication could help. It seems that you have some personal challenges (nothing wrong with that, of course) that aren’t being helped by keeping the psychiatrist and medication away.
I have concerns when people tell others to shun providers and medicine. While some problems can be solved individually, there are some situations that intervention should be obtained.
Just a thought.
@distant.road: I think maybe you should read randall’s story, before suggesting that the reason psychiatry and medicine aren’t helping, is that he’s shunning them.
“Providers” and “medicine” are not the highly-effective things those same providers and medicine manufacturers/dealers make them out to be.
Some problems CANNOT be solved; Randall happens to have such a case, and there are no words or medicines that will reverse the irreversible changes he has endured… and from my own personal experiences, “no one ever” has the right magic words to solve what cannot be changed or replaced.
This is why “psyches and meds” are tragically ineffective, in so many cases: damage is done, and there’s no undoing it… and there’s nothing any “provider” can say, to eliminate the requirement to endure the unendurable.
Ultimately, drugs will distract you and maybe give you an artificially induced “high,” or at least modulate your “mood” to the point where you’re less affected… and psyches will merely tell you not to think about it, to distract yourself, and to attempt to engage in alternate pursuits… which doesn’t solve the problem, but rather only makes you seem more okay to others who may otherwise be afraid of your desolate despair.
It’s all a huge trick. I’m perpetually astonished at how so few people “get it.”
clevername, with all due respect… There is a difference between an individual’s experiences and the statistical experiences of the general population. Regardless of Randall’s story, or anybody’s for that matter, it is not the wisest advice to suggest others shun providers and medicine. Effectively, you’re suggesting that they suffer through it on their own. “Suck it up” is generally not sound nor solid advice.
There are plenty of situations that I’ve been through in which a certain program of care didn’t work for me… but I would never suggest that someone else not at least try it. What do you have to lose? In the case of depression, when things are already rather low, there isn’t much to lose for John Doe or Jane Doe to seek help. If it doesn’t work, so be it… but if it does, it could mean a world of positive change.
It’s at least as unwise, or more, to suggest people pursue false help, that isn’t designed to help them at all, and is not designed from the position of an adequate understanding of why anyone would be so desperate in the first place.
And no, i’m not suggesting they merely suffer through it on their own… i’m pointing out the fact that the so-called “help” that so many people believe is available, is actually not “help” at all, for the people who really need it. Perhaps no help exists, for those who really need it.
“What do you have to lose?”
That’s a good question… and it can easily work against your argument. What can be “lost” through deception and wrong solutions for wrong problems being marketed as effective, when they’re not… is actually quite substantial. It would be unwise to advise vulnerable people to go through the amount of hassle required, and expend the amount of resources required, only to discover that they’ve been “taken for a ride,” and that the entire system is actually a farce. I’d be willing to bet many lives have been lost over this… because the so-called “help” they offer, is not the help that is needed, but is sold as such, as if it were the end-all be-all answer to everyone’s psychological instability.
clevername, I’m sorry things haven’t worked for you. Unfortunately, as you’ve discovered, life isn’t easy sometimes… or all the time. I would caution you not to suggest others pursue a solitude and lonely path. As with Randall, you’re suggesting that people “suck it up” because any help is futile, frivolous, pre-packaged, and insincere.
That’s just silly. If you want to go down a path of isolation (been there, done that), so be it. Free will is free will. But please don’t lead others into the darkness with you.
Thanks.
Ultimately, they’re trying to con you out of as much money as possible, and cripple you with side-effects of so-called “medicine” (which they also get paid to push), so that you’ll rely on them to tell you what you already know: distract yourself, and try not to dwell on the parts you can’t change. Try to find something else to care about enough to pursue, even though that’s nearly impossible without solving the parts you need help with… for which the “professional treatment” amounts to drugs and pep-talks. You can get drugs and “psych yourself up” without needing a “professional” to take large chunks of your money. The problem is: you can do for yourself, what those so-called “professionals” actually do… but you can’t legally write yourself a prescription (which you arguably don’t need, due to the complications from side-effects).
I’ve encountered some psychologists in the real world, and many who’ve studied psychology in various ways, to varying degrees… and almost ALL of them, have “bizarre” views on why people act the ways they do. They think they know so much, but even someone like me can easily see they don’t understand half as much as they seem to think they know… and even less of what they want others to think they know… and i assure you, there are people just like that, who have completed schooling, obtained certificates, calling themselves “practicing professionals,” and getting paid to either do nothing, or mess up people’s minds (or both). This is their job, their career, their business, their livelihood… so of course they’re going to want you to think their service is useful and valid… but all they really do is try to “psych you up,” and recommend “mind meds” if their mind games don’t work.
Psychology as academia is interesting; psychology as a business, is a sham. I think they confuse and drug more people than they actually successfully “cure.” In fact, that’s the whole point of why i was disagreeing in the first place: some things cannot be fixed. And in those cases, what can you really tell someone, aside from “suck it up, try not to think about it, maybe try such and such drugs…” ?
Like I wrote above, clevername, I don’t have a problem with any decisions you make for yourself. You can do as you wish. Posting multi-paragraph theories and opinions simply provides a smoke and mirror for the consequence of what you’re writing… which is to suggest people go it alone. Not cool. Nobody is suggesting to see a doc forever. If it works, it’ll be evident soon enough. Suggesting people isolate from help remains as silly as it was twenty minutes ago when I posted my previous comment.
“I would caution you not to suggest others pursue a solitude and lonely path. ”
Oh really? what if “solitude and loneliness” is the only available existence? Is death better? If it’s “choose between misery and death,” then what should i recommend? I have to recommend whatever the person wants; some people are unwilling to exist miserably until death; they want out Now, if that’s how it’s going to be.
Life is all about choices: if you’re not born in fortunate circumstances, you can choose either misery or death (but it’s a trick, because death will happen regardless… so, what will it be? More Misery AND death? Or: As little misery as possible, prior to death?).
And yeah… if people don’t “suck it up” and get touch real quick, they’re going to lose a lot more of what makes any improvement possible. So the faster you “get over it” and “move on,” the more chance you have of a greater amount of partial recovery. For some people, they have already fallen too far, lost too much, and stayed down too long… too much damage is done, and too little ACTUAL HELP exists, and that which scarcely does, is often unattainable, and out of reach.
If you’re not tough enough, life will kick your ass, knock you down repeatedly until you can’t get up, proceed to kick you while down, until you’re dead… and there’s no getting around that. So yeah. “Suck it up.” Success takes a degree of passionate conviction, ambition, persistence, determination, which most “depressives” have already lost, and lack any source for proper motivation to reconstruct it.
They need a reason to go beast-mode, a potentially, reliably successful avenue through which to focus their energy, and both the knowledge and understanding, as well as the resources, to take proper care of both their bodies and minds, so that they can persist in a self-sufficient manner, rather than remaining reliant upon “help,” which, unfortunately, often does not even exist.
It’s extremely annoying that you keep accusing me of “suggesting people isolate themselves,” when i am not. I suspect your agenda, and/or your reading comprehension capacity. I don’t need to argue, and i already said what i needed to say. Feel free to continually misrepresent both my meanings and motives, if that’s what floats your boat.
clevername: The sad part of all this is that, one day, somebody here in a vulnerable state will be told “A psychiatrist won’t help you, drugs won’t help you,†and they will subsequently take an action with finality. People come here in varying states. Words can lead to action.
I’m glad we’re finished… Enjoy the rest of your day.
I think it would be more sad for such a person to be encouraged to remain alive, solely for the purpose of being perpetually exploited, while remaining more miserable than necessary, for longer than they must. Sometimes it’s just time to go. That’s the sad part.
The actions belong to the person committing them, not anyone else. Don’t try to guilt trip me for telling the truth. I’ve had more than enough guilt trips for a lifetime. If anything is to blame for anyone’s suicide, it’s “the world sucks.” No need to define it more deeply than that; it’ll end soon enough, and then it won’t matter.
“I think it would be more sad…”
Fortunately, society is much bigger than one person… and various elements of society might not be so sad to at least attempt to assist the person. Instead of sadness, those elements of society might feel relief.
To each his/her own.
If it turns out what you mean is that you have a personality disorder, then you are so, so much farther along than you think, just by being able to acknowledge it. As clevername discusses above, it’s true that psychs and meds don’t always work, but of course you have to try them before you know that they won’t for *you*. If you can afford it and you have the time, try a few visits each with different psychs (preferably after researching their qualifications/specialties) until you find the right one for you. I know that’s not easy to do, but in the case that you can, it will increase your chances of finding *effective* help.
@distant.road, suppose you shield every person from the opinions of others in the attempt to provide a positive outlook for nursing mood disorders. Does the prolonged derangement keep you in some inflated perception of the good you think you’re doing for people?
Exactly.
The world doesn’t need ear muffs and helmets. It needs valuable opinion and reality. Sugar coating the truth of every person in the world isn’t going to change the fact that therapy and psych meds have little effect (if any) on how a person feels.