Why?

I’m not sure what I really expect anymore.
A couple months back, September to be specific, I found myself in a hole. You know it, the black abyss that you stare at day in and day out. The one that never seems to end. I had been looking into, getting lost in the darkness for too long. Years have past since I can actually remember being happy for a full 24hrs. It seems so surreal to even imagine I used to have fun.
Anyways, I tried to take my life. I really tried… pills, alcohol, the whole deal. Fortunately or unfortunately ( I haven’t decided which one yet) I survived. I made a phone call to an old friend and told them what I had done. I remember those words that repeat themselves in my head every night before I sleep…. “What did you do??”. Those words hit me like nothing has ever smacked in the face before. My friend was terrified for me, so much shouting, so much…disappointment in his voice.
To say the least, I barely remember my front door banging and the flashing lights coming from the outside. As I stumbled to get up from the couch that I had so firmly planted myself on, I opened the door to see two paramedics and a police officer staring at me. Most of what happened next is a blur, but I do remember the bumpy ride to the Hospital. I also remember the two bottles of the dark, thick, gritty and disgusting Liquid Tar they forced down my throat. (For those of you who do not know what that feels like… You want to vomit every time you take a swig, and you cannot take your time. Plus, afterwards, everything that comes out of you is black for the next week or so)
While the Tar soaked up everything that I had taken, I remember lying in the hospital bed, curtains open (Suicide Watch) and thinking to myself, “DO NOT PUKE, DO NOT PUKE”. I was also trying to look cool for the very attractive nurse that was in charge of me. Believe, it’s pretty hard to look awesome with your mouth black as the night, and lips full of poison. Did I also mention I was on suicide watch?? Yeah… not the greatest time to pick someone up, needless to say, I did not get a number.
I was transferred to a psychiatric ward after spending the night in the ICU, which was not a very good experience at all. With wires and needles sticking all over my body, it was definitely not a comfortable sleep.  I was angry, frustrated and confused. How did I end up like this? Why would I ever do something like this? I should not be here. All these thoughts running through my head as I sat on the edge of my bed waiting to be introduced to the doctor. Remembering that I was in such a daze the day before in the hospital, I definitely do not recall what I said to anyone. It turns out, I talked about life, work, stress… and of course… a girl. THE GIRL, I thought.
3 years older than me, beautiful smart, funny, and addicting to drugs. What more could I ask for right? Perfect.
The next week I spent my time wandering around the halls, avoiding eye contact, sleeping during the day, and most of all, crying. I had no idea how I ended up there. I spent my days and my nights lying awake, thinking how it all came to this. Then it hit me, I’m depressed. I am emotionally and mentally unable to cope with the thought of rejection. I always have been, and quite possibly always will be cursed with the thought that I’m not worthy. Even months later I still question that: Am I worth living for?

To be honest, I’m still not sure. I have seen many different “Specialists” and have learned, that you have to try to be happy. Easier said then done… believe me. To everyone else it looks easy. To me, possibly you who are reading this, we all know that is a joke. Being happy is easy? Being depressed, sad, suicidal, now that is easy.
I guess I decided to join this site, to write this rant because recently, after 3 months of no contact with “the girl” I decided last night it would be a good idea to try and see her at work. Worst mistake ever. From the moment I walked into the building, she saw me and turned away faster then you can read this. The look on her face, was mostly shock, but I could tell there was a little of ” WTF”. She ignored me, completely forgot I existed on the planet for the brief 5mintues that I found myself standing there, looking like an idiot. The next part seemed to fake. To have known this person for over a year, to be that close to someone and have them know everything about you, to confide in, to make you laugh; to have them just look away from you, and even turn their back on you hurt. I’m not sure I have ever felt like that before, and as a write this, believe me, my heart is wrenching, wanting to be ripped out and left on the floor. I asked her if we could talk, she didn’t even look at me and said “My ride is here”, and left. Got into the car that her boyfriend was driving and left.
Since then my mind has been going wild, non stop with thoughts that will just not leave my head.
I guess most recently is, why do I try? Why try to be happy in this world?

I’m not sure what I should be thinking, but too be honest, I’m feeling suicidal. I’m not sure what to do, and I have no one to talk to. That’s the worst part, I see all these doctors, etc. And I can’t even tell people what’s wrong with me. My friends, family… what a joke. The joke? I still find it taboo to talk about it with them, like as if every word they are judging in their head. Like, “This guy is crazy”. And so, I find myself writing this long note, this rant of mine, hoping that maybe someone will reach out, talk to me. Ask me question, anything to help. Even if the help only lasts a minute.

Sweet Dreams…