I have never attempted suicide before and probably will never do that in the future, although I am suicidal. The depressing thought cannot get out of my head. Only watching people who are also suicidal can make me feel much better, because I tend to dispassionately analyze their feelings and so I become an observer rather than a sufferer.
There’s no point to live, but there’s no point to die either, from my perspective. That’s why I’m still alive. There’s no point to do anything. Suicide is such a luxury, an aggregation of  courage, ego, curiosity, perseverance, nonchalance about collective unconsciousness, motivation, liberation, freedom of self-expression, that I am not capable of. Everyone is beyond redemption, and some have the drive to do something, either to leave or to thrive. But some don’t.
It is not despair. It’s nothing, not even nihilism, but merely nothing.
When mind-elation comes, I become gratefully agnostic. But for the rest of the time, I feel nothing.
I don’t know whether it is pain or fear. Very hard to name it.
The only thing I would like to do is lie still on the bed for as long as I like. Maybe… I just need some rest. That’s it? Maybe after pouring out all of those words above, I’m feeling much better again.
Fucking mood swings.
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“The only thing I would like to do is lie still on the bed for as long as I like.”
This is almost as addictive as heroin.
Once you start, you’ll want more and more… and it will never be enough. You’ll start getting extremely agitated when anything requires you to interrupt your stillness.
But after a while, your body has had enough of stillness, even if your mind wants more. And then it gets weird, because while you’re completely certain that you just want to be still, your body starts trying to get up and go do stuff. It might take a while for you to get to that point, and it’s entirely possible that the first few times you try it, you might just lay there zoned out for a whole day.
But eventually… you’ll start to find yourself sort of “rooting” or “nesting,” everywhere you stop moving. Car seats, benches, desk chairs, etc.
If thought about this a lot, during my stillness, and part of the problem is that the body’s purpose is motion and action. Another part of the problem is that the motions and actions which would be most beneficial and satisfying to us, are often not available or accessible, for various reasons. And so you get to the point where you feel your motions and actions are not benefiting you, but are causing you a seemingly endless requirement to recover from constant exposure to excess stress, some of which is generated mentally… and then you start to think that you don’t want to do the wrong motions and actions anymore, because A) it isn’t getting you what you want, and B) it’s causing a lot of discomfort; a state of existence in which you spend the majority of each day.
And so while you’re trying to get a handle on it all, and figure it all out… that’s even more exhausting, and you just want to stop… and you need a break.
But that break feels SO good… you’ll want things to just stay that way. But since they can’t, because just staying still for the rest of your life is incompatible with existence, and also doesn’t fulfill the motion and action requirements and duties of your body… you’ll start to get restless, even when all you want is to do nothing.
Thank you for this thorough description of stillness. You made a good point about why someone would crave stillness. I felt exactly the same way. As life keeps rapidly unfolding, I am kind of disappointed that I don’t have the gut to cut off what I have got involved in. Oddly, despite my awareness of the situation, other options seem so faraway. Maybe this “freeze response” has lasted too long and it makes me get used to it.
Here is what I’m gonna do if all my memories are removed: Settle in a civilized tropical place where abounds with fruits and find a safe corner to sell cucumber&mint yogurt. I will make a living out of it.
However right now I have to consider too many things. Or I don’t have to… can’t think it in my right mind. I just want to indulge in mind blanks.
Would it be possible that one gets sick of staying in bed both mentally and physically, instead of develops an addiction?
“Would it be possible that one gets sick of staying in bed both mentally and physically, instead of develops an addiction?”
Yes. Eventually, it’s just boring, and you start getting restless, even if there really isn’t anything you actually want to do.
I see. What did you do after this?
Spoken from experience….
Then what~?
Then what~?