what was i, what have i become. i am only getting more and more corrupted. i wanted to, didn’t i? when i couldn’t find a way out of it, i decided to get more into it. taste of lie, taste of corruption!
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.†– Dostoevsky
i wanted to test it. and i was so confident that it will never be able to overpower me or take me into its grip. somehow i thought that nothing can corrupt me, simply because i didn’t believe anything, and knew that i won’t in future either. well i was right, but i never thought it could take me into such unknown, filthy zones such that even if i don’t believe in them, they are still repulsive and make my eyes sore. i don’t believe them, but they surround me all the time and i have nothing else to think or see or dream, that i am still affected by them. will they overpower me? will they get out of control?
“lies are so many and truths aren’t even few”.
it has its own way. something from it has gripping on me, or maybe a part of me is holding it. otherwise it shouldn’t exist in the first place, isn’t it? is it the outside condition that keeps me remain in it? but i never believed in outside either. it was always about me. I remain in it, but i can’t understand why. They, the outside people, really have become a taboo to me. they seem to me something unchangeable, yet i give them respect enough to not treat them like objects. that’s why i give a fuck to their words, that’s why i let them overpower my mind. i really should look at them like objects; that way it will be way better for both me and them, atleast for me for sure. but i think i can’t do that… i am too much of a believer in holy things to do that. i know it in them, just like i know it in myself. they deserve to be given respect, irrespective of how much asleep they are, simply because they are fellow humans.
i don’t know.
7 comments
How can a person lie to themselves if they don’t know they are delusional? A person can be wrong without being dishonest. Everyone is delusional in some way because we have to select a path that will lead us to a conclusion that we are content with which isn’t always founded in reality.
We define our moral code in a number of ways. It’s determined by the reasonable majority which is why issues that affect the minority have historically taken longer to sort out. You might be the subdued minority who has to wait another 50 years for everyone else to figure out.
Never idolise the living. You can chose to idolise historical figures but that’s a projection just like the idea of god. It may or may not cause harm but the reality is there has never been a perfect human worthy enough. That’s one of the reasons we have god(s).
Enlightening people so that they agree with you isn’t every enlightening if there is a small chance you could be wrong. People don’t listen and the ones who do the bests are just more content with their mistakes because it’s only a mistake if you link it is and whether or not the consequences are imposed by society.
everything my mind can doubt about is a lie to me. i might call it meaninglessness or purposelessness but i don’t feel them to be right words. i can’t find my meaning but it doesn’t mean i “feel” meaningless; it means that i am distressed about my meaning and trying to find it. i call this distressed state lie because that’s how it looks to me. a stable state, where i don’t feel doubt, i will call truth.
i know man, but somehow this god, this idolizing thing has gone quite deep into me. i think it was always there. or maybe it wasn’t. i am confused about its beginning. about it i can say only one thing: its beyond my control. actually this is the only thing i am sure of in myself, that this thing cannot be separated from me. i can’t even think about thinking without it… it influences all my thoughts and visions.
That’s our limitation. We can create super computers that can process information and solve problems that we can’t. They are better than us yet we created them. The human mind is like an inefficient computer. The limit on our short/long term memory and processing speed/power prevent us from understanding the ‘day to day’ which in turn affects our future and overall conclusion on life. We have ‘feelings’ that get in the way where machines don’t. I think when robots start creating us, we’ll turn a corner.
actually we can. its all inside us. i can’t control it because i have doubts about it. if i were completely sure that there is no such thing as god or truth then i think i could easily be able to eliminate it. but then if we ask why i am not completely sure about it, then i’ll again say beyond control thing. so… well i don’t know, but i can certainly say that things can be changed. a person can change completely, thoroughly in a single moment which happens at, so called, love at first sight. there was certainly no objective material thing involved. his feelings, his whole way of thinking change. so i am not really sure if its all about brain.
I’m not an expert on people. I can only use the memory of what I once felt or experienced and assume that’s how people must feel. I’m warped in a way where I can’t comprehend emotion or loss. I’m incapable of change but the average person must be a lot better. It’s difficult for me to see the world like everyone else does. I was a very warm person once, the best sense of humour, the best everything and that’s what bothers me the most.
The ideal situation would be a balance between the way you feel and what I’ve become, desire/control. When I was younger I was very emotional and passionate yet now things are worse so I don’t think you should criticise yourself. You’ve got the potential. I have to use my knowledge and experience to get by. I can’t recreate ideas and dreams. This is why I’ve always been interested in mind altering drugs because they can make us feel and behave in extraordinary ways.
we can’t understand the truth of other until we ourselves experience it. you’ve experienced both lives you sure understand things a lot better. i really think, or atleast hope, that you will be able to live that balanced situation.
You too.