I made a mistake today. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Today was just another one, an additional one. I had been getting closer and closer, further and further, and I reached it. Not entirely though, it was the beginning of the end. I stopped at the beginning. It would make Him unhappy, completely torn and deeply upset. I love Him. I do. But, sometimes I get frustated in my life. My whole life is filled with frustration, 2/3 of it.
I work, and work. Oh, and wait ! … I work. I go to the university, I go to work, I have to go shopping, I have to prepare for my second job, I have to go to my second job, I have to listen to luckier people who tell me how lucky I am. I can’t enjoy eating, I must not get fat. I can’t drink, I have to drive. I can’t smoke, my boyfriend hates that. I can’t smoke something else, I could lost it all. I can’t make parties, I don’t have friends, only few. I can’t go on holidays, I don’t have money and my boyfriend works. I can’t go and have fun in a stupid lazer game, he doesn’t like that. I can’t go and have fun in a stupid funfair, he gets sick. I can’t feel unhappy about all these frustrations because I am the “priviledged one”.
Well… I had started writing things about my country, and how things are going on here. But I got scared it could trigger polemics. I don’t want that. I can’t tell what I feel because I’m afraid of those who judge without knowing. Yeah, my country is one of the best in the world, it is not third-world at all. Equality chitchat. As Orwell said, some are more equal than others.
You know, it is hard when you always have to work (university, first job, second job, homeworks, taking care of the house). And nobody around understands how you feel. It is hard. Â The ones who never worked, who are still at Mom’s or at Boyfriend’s, or taking advantage of the State. And it is hard to hear them all, treating you like a bullshit because you’re too tired to listen in class. Telling you you are the lucky one, who lives on her own and has a job. Those same people who earn more than you while they work less than you, who are offered a job by the State without having to want it. The ones who could live on their own, if they really wanted to. But they prefer spending their money (money of the State) on parties or clothes rather than on food and rent. And they look at me, in the eyes, telling that I am the privileged one. Do they know that it is our work which allow them to wallow in idleness ? Our work they’re peeing on. I should be ashamed of “succeeding” without help. I should be ashamed.
The truth is they can’t understand how tired I am. They don’t want to understand. And they will make me believe that I am not tired, that it is just in my head. They are so good at that that I can’t help feeling guilty. I feel guilty. But I know I’m honest…
Please, don’t get mad at me. It is getting hard to handle…
14 comments
What’s polemics? o.o
Meh, polemics happen. Just try to avoid being one-sided and make an express point that you don’t like either pole. I work my ass off, too, although I don’t get paid for it, which kind of sucks. I know what you mean, I think. Everyone seems blinded by their own circumstances sometimes, and if they aren’t working their asses off all the time, they assume nobody else is either, I suppose. It sucks. It’d be nice if people could be more understanding these days. 🙁
Why do you need them to understand? Are you feeling alone?
While some might say the whole race of humans have been slaves for eons, i’m not going to tell you that it is fair, or that some don’t have it better than others.
I would like to suggest, however, that some of your “privileged” peers might be jealous of your independence, and fear taking the steps towards individuation you have taken.
And as for the resilience you’re cultivating, that can’t be taken away from you, and may serve you well in the future.
At one point during my 20s, i worked eight to twelve hours a day, seven days a week. After nearly a year, my bank account was flourishing, but I sort of cracked. Unfortunately, there are only 168 hours per week, and we have limits, even if we have a lot of resolve.
freedomseeker,
I like your post, I don’t worry about other people or how they survive, you feel good pulling the sheets over your toes at night I bet they don’t, but the basic problem is we have to work to survive, then what do we do after we work? rest to go to work again! what kind of a trade off is that! 🙂 some people figure out how to work less as possible and enjoy life a little more, good for them but that doesn’t help us does it 🙂 this is what life is all about, it not all it’s cracked up to be 🙂
It’s like Bob Marley said: “Every day is work. If you ain’t got nothing to do – work.”
Jah mon.
Thank you guys. Lorax, you’re right, some people should be more understanding these days.
Working is one thing, it is hard for me to cope with. But what the article was more about is other people’s reactions. Their lack of judgement, their misunderstandings, their hypocrisy. I know it is not the same in America, but where I live the people I am dealing with are giving money by the State, because they are considered as poor.
Yeah, I know it is good to help the poor.
The point is, all these people are NOT poor. They have nice clothes, go to the university (very cheap in my country, contrary to yours), have nice Apple stuffs, nice smartphones, etc. I even heard one of them complaining that he had too much money and that he didn’t know how to spend it, so he had to buy anything.
These people are offered a cool job by the State (only them), the State (us, honest workers) give them more than 800$ per month, for working only 12h a week, not during the school holidays (but still as much paid). They spend their money on clothes and parties. They still live at Mom’s or Boyfriend’s. (I precise they had beautiful clothes and apple stuffs even before having this job and this money. Is that it ? Being poor ? Be in need ?).
And then, they look at me, swearing I am the lucky one. Swearing that I only was lucky to find a job, that it was only luck. Some even say that I’m rich, while they earn more than me by working less.
Well… I work more than them by far, I’m paid less than them, I don’t spend my money on leisure and useless stuffs, I had to struggle to find a job, a physically tough one, I am not given money by anyone. And I am the privileged one ? And I should be ashamed ? I should feel guilty because they are “the poor” and we are “the rich”. In my country, people who manage without help are regarded as thieves, privileged people who were just lucky. And “rich” here only means middle-class. They are middle-class as well, just lazy middle-class…
I’m sorry. It is good to help the poor, the real ones. I wouldn’t be complaining if my money went to destitute, homeless people who are still dying in the streets. But the thing is, our work is stolen for the benefit of “fake poors”. People who have money, but who only didn’t want to work more to earn more. They prefered taking it from the whole society. And our society is crumbling down because of it, too many people are doing that. Spitting on our work, on our effort.
And homeless people are still in the streets. The real poor are not helped, the State only helps those who can still pay taxes (even very low ones). And we have to be regarded as thieves by those fake poors who deny our determination, our efforts. We are their slaves.
But, as everybody knows, slaves are the privileged ones, as for them (hypocrisy, here you are). This is what is really hard to cope with.
@freedomseeker:
that makes me want to fucking die. Like even more than i already did.
@clevername:
Sorry… It wasn’t my purpose…
well i know that, i was talking about the problem you described, not the fact that you described it.
I lol’d.
You sound a lot like someone I know.. but you seem to live in the US, so it’s impossible.
“I can’t enjoy eating, I must not get fat. I can’t drink, I have to drive. I can’t smoke, my boyfriend hates that.” Maybe it’s just personal preference, but I hate it when people say “I can’t..” bla bla bla – especially when it comes to eating – I do not tolerate that. There are too many stupid definitions of the “norm” these days. If you enjoy eating or if you’re hungry then eat! Just don’t overdo it so much that you end up with serious health probs.
If you enjoy something and you’re perfectly capable of doing it, then do it! “Rules” are just guidelines in my opinion, you don’t need to confine your decisions to what people say you can or can’t do. I think you’ve been too busy telling yourself what you can’t do so I hardly think that you need to be told when you’ve “bent” the rules too much. Those kids who are always partying are going to have a hard time seeing why you shouldn’t do certain things though if they just act on what they “want” without using their brains.
I don’t know what sort of jobs you’re doing right now.. but sometimes you don’t need an education to do well if you don’t think studying at uni is for you. However if it is, perhaps you could hunt out some jobs related to whatever you study.. if you do well there, you may be offered a pretty good job once you’ve graduated or if they offer it, they might pay you to study. I don’t know how many companies are out there like that though.
My advice is to just enjoy yourself more.. don’t worry about the consequences too much – but of course don’t be an idiot. What would you do if you knew for certain that the world was going to end in a month?
@Eturion
You’re probably right. But easier to say than do… And I’m not American, I live in an European country (brand old world), that is why it is not entirely the same as what you live in America. You’re right, I should have fun, but I’m always thinking about the consequences. What if I do that and this happens ? Well… I don’t want this to happen. So don’t do it. I don’t do it. It is easy to say as long as nothing happens. But the day it happens, there’s no way back. But you’re quite right, I know I should have more fun. But that is the problem, I know that but don’t know how to do (without being anxious).
And I can’t have a job which is linked to my studies. I must wait 2 years to have a chance. Only the fake poors I was talking about in my post are allowed to do the job. Only them. I can’t, I have to wait until I graduate.
Is that it ? Equality ?
@Eturion, you didn’t indicate who that first sentence was aimed at. The OP indicaed that he’s not from the US and a bunch of people have commented in the thread so far…
Sorry @bullfrong and freedomseeker, I did not take the time to read everyone’s comment. Dunno if it’s the formatting of the site, but my eyes start going all strange very quickly whenever I’m on here.
@freedomseeker, I am not American either. Although I probably live in one of the most arguably free countries in the world too. I was actually going to post something about how people think it’s unfair that certain ethnicity in my country get benefits and privileges that others don’t.. but I think you’re referring to something else and I couldn’t articulate it well anyways.
I think those folks who claim to be “poor” but are living off someone else will have it a lot worse than you once they’ve been cut off from family funds or whatever. Maybe they’ll be given a house, etc before they’re “cut” but once that happens, they won’t be able to cope, they won’t know how to manage themselves properly as they will not have as much experience with such things as you. I think people should experience difficult things at a younger age and then learn how to adapt – you’re probably just struggling with the adapting part because you haven’t learned to enjoy yourself just yet. But I’m sure it will come some day 🙂
Just remember that you need to be balanced.. if something makes you anxious but you want to do it.. just don’t think about it and just go for it (although if there’s a big risk with it, make sure that your desire is worth it).
Oh, and again with the “fake” poor people. I have a friend, a very negative sort of person – went to a private school for 7+ years and tells everyone that her parents are poor, that she can’t afford uni when it’s 1/3 of the annual cost for going to the private school she went to.. she just likes to act like she’s the worst off all of the time..