Unfit for this life.. said the girl

Hi, this is all very weird and to be honest I’m not sure how I ended up here whilst searching endlessly through the web with no specific aim…. but this place is about telling your story and the end to your story and so be it…hell what do I have to lose 

Lately I see nothing worth seeing in my life, I see bleakness, I see an effort for nothing, and effort being used tirelessely. I have tried, I know I have and that is what makes things all the harder, after having given all I have..and had in me to try and make this gift of life work. Yet I seem to find myself at an end point where this supposed beautiful life shall end for mere lack of a reason to proceed.

In this rather robotic yet full of emotion state of life, where what you do you do is for emotion, yet so mechanical every emotional move is so predictable. I had a crap childhood, surprise, my dad a drug-addict and alcoholic, my mum a fragile state of flesh with no emotion having it beaten out of her literally, a sibling I do not know, having been banished from our family for not being ‘worthy’ on a social scale…. school was, and being completely honest…unbearable, oh the woes, oh how you feel so sorry for yourself girl… but fuck it Im telling the honest truth. Looking back, I have developed guts from the abuse, and I stand nothing now, which in itself is dangerous… I could simply not stand up for myself back then, I did not know how, no-one was there to help, I was and am alone. I see myself in the playground, staring into nothing, emotionally numb, feeling beaten, the heart aching most I stare at them and feel nothing, for I have nothing left to feel nor give. Aside from the problems at home, the problems at school really made it sink in. I see me, and I think..if only I had the guts to defend myself, my mental state of mind may not be as fragile yet so torn and damned. Oh life you sly thing, oh life, you know exactly what you do, and how oh so predictable mental issues seem to sink in to the mechanical moth of a mind we so quaintly have…

My first long term relationship was rushed, oh dear, I know, how unheard of.. I was beaten emotionally and physically and starved of love. Only being fed tiny hopes of the heart shaped medicine when I was needed. I was unable to see it, unable to feel, I simply co-existed alongside this person and the rest of the world, unheard of and a shadow of unimportance. The pieces of what is left of my family had there own ties and lies and lives, your life? Bah… I moved country with him, after 13 years of being together…and he left me….I know….how…predictable? I was left unhinged and alone, I rushed into another relationship I am in now. And although he is completely the opposite of my last man, he too feels emotional numbness to life, I feel starved of love, I am told I am loved, but I do not feel it, I want to…oh how I crave that unknown emotion… but I see nothing…is it my numbness blinding me from the truth? Is it the fact he so easily fell for me… why me? What is so special about me? Surely there are others more worthy of such a splendid feeling from a numb being… Oh well, we can dream, I can still dream, and used to all the time, but now even my dreams are gone, I now see nothing but the nothingness before me and have lost the movement of even my eyes to turn away. I do not sleep, I do not eat, I do not feel, I.. do not cry, I have no more tears, no more emotion, nothing left.

I once heard someone say these words, ‘she just wasn’t fit for this world’, and oh how true those words sing, this world and dimension we have found ourselves in is a test.. a game of sorts…it merely ‘is’, some may play well and survive the harsh conditions and prevail with the highest of emotions albeit if dire.. and some shall perish, some shall simply throw the opportunity in this whirlwind of feelings away to the abyss and then follow yet in the direction of maybe a lost hope elsewhere. I am unfit for this life, I am not meant for it. I want to die.