I’m a piece of fucking shit and this world should throw a “thank fuck he’s dead” no-expense-sparred party when I drop dead! After dreading my cousins wedding for days and not sleeping for the past week it’s turned out as bad as I imagined. Ofc it would because everything that could have gone wrong in my life has and always will occur… my mum dying shortly after I was born, being beaten and abused, bullied, being fucking retarded and barely hitting puberty, and being mentally ill.
I fucked up the whole day. I got lost driving to the place, I couldn’t find a seat and everyone was laughing at me and calling me an idiot, a few people eyeballed me and made cheeky remarks and then when when my family tried talking to me a had NOTHING to say, just chuckle at everything like the spastic I am! The anxiety was too much and being a coward I decided to run away back home without saying anything to anyone because I don’t have the balls to face these fears. Some people are ringing to get me back.
I want to be dead so fucking much. I’m craving that lethal dose of heroin, I’m so tempted to inject in into my arm right now. Everyone I know already hates my guts. I don’t want to ruin my cousins honeymoon by doing it now. I know now when I die that very few, if any, are going to be at my funeral. To be honest, I feel guilty that the world must bother with my worthless corpse.
2 comments
Life isn’t meant to be lived worrying about how other people perceive you. In reality, the same people that eyeball and criticize you for small things are, essentially, flawed in their own way. They aren’t big enough to identify their own mistakes and consequentially see themselves as “superior†to everyone else. You are not worthless, nor are you a “thank fuck he’s dead†kind of person. Don’t dwell on the fact that you ran away. Don’t shoulder the past, your mom, the abuse, or the anxiety, and see your life as a complete screw up. If you feel certain people do not like you, then so be it. It’s their loss. Life isn’t about trying to please everyone. It’s about finding people who are pleased to spend time with you. Embrace your quirks. Get rid of the thoughts that tell you, “You’re worthless. Everything you do ends in failure,†and dwell on the things that you’ve done right. The people you’ve made smile; the good things about your character. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you. Let the chuckles and sneers go in one ear and out the other. From what I’ve read, you’re a strong, smart and courageous person. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. Throw the heroin away. Take small steps to change and I’m sure that when you attend another wedding, you’ll be able to walk up on that stage confident and renewed. I believe in you.
I can relate to you a bit. My anxiety gets so bad sometimes that I become forgetful or I lose focus, hell sometimes I forget what I’m talking about. I tell myself that if I can control the anxiety, that I’ll be able to think a lot clearer.