Like most people I’ve lived my life hoping the end would come quick and painless. When I decided to end my life I researched all the quick and painless ways, settling on a combination of methods that would supposedly do the trick in a dozen heartbeats or less, all the while being drunk and drugged out of my wits so I wouldn’t feel a thing.
How wrong. I realize now, injured and alone (don’t worry, this is not The One) that I like this feeling. Lying here feeling damaged beyond repair with no one pestering me to bandage myself up of go to the hospital or “get well soon”, I feel the sublime peace of wanting to continue sinking. I’m sick of the ridiculous cycle of hurting & healing just so I can be hurt again. I’m so ready for a one way trip, and like a passenger on a great voyage I want to enjoy every second of it.
So I’ve revised my method. No more quick and painless, I’m going to try something slow and lucid. I want to savor every moment of death since I know when it finally comes it will wipe out everything. If I can just keep all the fucking people away until then, I think I can have a really nice time of it.
3 comments
In this context, would you prefer setting yourself on fire?
Slow? Sounds scarier than the pain leading to contemplating suicide. Hope whatever you decide is what works for you. No judgement.
I read in this random book that crucifixion is pretty painful. Just need to find someone to hammer those nails in.