The day I survived

Most of us are here because we feel so shit we want to kill ourselves.  So I want to tell my story..

I had been crying non stop every day for about 4 months. I would go to college, cry, go gome, cry, cry myself to sleep.. it was a never ending cycle of me crying. Till one day during my lunch break at college I decided I had, had enough. I got lots of differdnt friends to go to shops and buy me tablets  (I couldn’t because I was too young) Anyway, I , anahed to get a fair amount of tablets, since more than 30 paracetamol can kill you. I hid all the tablets in my purse till I got home. I had my tea then I went to my room and took all the tablets I had in my purse popped them out the packet and layed them right in front of me.. I put my headphones in and was listening to ‘nobody’s home’ by avril lavigne. I got my bottle of Cola and just started taking them all handful by handful I forced all the tablets down my neck. I was in bits.. Did I actually want to die? Is this really how my life was meant to be? But yeah, I couldn’t put all my tablet wrappers in the bin because my foster parents had already counted the amout that was in there from me topping myself the day before. So I hid them under a pile of clothes on my bed. I went for a shower because they calm me down and while I was there, I guess I just accepted that I would die in the next few days.. I felt.. Happy. I got out the shower and went back to my room, I noticed my clothes were gone (put in my wardrobe) but so were the tablet packets.. I then realised that I shouldn’t of done what I did. I layed in bed listening to music clutching a teddy that meant everything to me. My foster parents came in, they were both crying begging me to tell them how many tablets I took. I told them that they were only empty packets I had lying about.. they didn’t believe me, so my foster dad phoned the doctor and while he was away and I was with my foster mam I gave her a letter explaining why I had topped myself. The letter talks in detail about my rape and sexual abuse by my ex boyfriend. She cried so so much, she hugged me and told me that even though im not her kid, I’m still her baby and she loved me. Her saying that made me remember all the good in life and I regretted taking all the tablets. Blah blah. I went to hospital, on a drip for a week.. all that shiiz. Did I want to die? No. I thought I did, I just wanted to get rid of all my pain. Is this how my life was really meant to be? No. I still can’t answer that question.. I still have really bad days where I feel like I want to die, my life still has bad things happening in it at the moment.. but that is life.. you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. There always wiill be bad things that happen in your life.. But you just have to accept it. And that’s my story