The end

Well.. I’m less than 20 days from being 18. I have had social anxiety for most of life, at least from when I was ~4. I have had countless episodes of it, whether they are a friend of mine or not, I will get nervous. I had to take medicine to walk the stage without panicking, as well as with my speeches this year. I am on medicine and I think it’s where I got the depression for the most part. I was told I have depression symptoms but since taking the medicine the thoughts of suicide has gone in more depth. I have now written a note and I have had it run through my head at night numerous times. I have a lot of medicine such as accutane to pain killers and prozac, If/when I do it I plan to just take all the medicine I have (which is a lot). I was supposed to see my doctor but my parents didn’t want to take me and now I have to wait a week more. I plan to tell him I want to try a new medicine but at this rate I won’t make it the week. I think what holds me back the most is what happens next, I wasn’t super religious but I believe there is a God but I wanted more proof before I devoted everything to him/her.  I aspired to be a physician, I have since I was young, but now I wonder how I could work in a career helping others if I can’t even help myself. I don’t plan to do anything in the moment but I wanted to say at this rate it’s coming, and I wanted to leave something before it happens.