I did wrong.

I’ve been suicidal for a year now. And well I just recently graduated high school and a lot of things are going really really bad. On graduation day there was a party and I regret going to that party so much. I took my girlfriend with me not knowing that that would be the last time I would ever be with her. The way things went down was that I was drunk and I was not myself being suicidal for a year you feel really good want you to these things. So the thing was that I went to go talk to another girl and I ended up kissing that other girl. But the sad thing was that as I was kissing that other girl my girlfriend caught a glimpse and she left. So I wanted to run after her but I knew there was nothing I can do it was idiotic       to go after her after what I just did and      then one of her guy friends came to me      wanting to fight so I told him lets go.     But nothing happened. I devastated her    and I could not get her back. so now I   was stuck at the party and well let’s just   skip to the part where I wake up in my   bed. The next morning I realize that I   did so much wrong and I just wanted to   die. I understand its my fault but let me   keep telling you the rest. So couple of   days past and she texted me. She told   me come over tonight I want to see you.   My first reaction was oh my god this girl   is going to kill me, but then I said I   really want to see her too. So I went that   night and well we just talked and tried  to kiss but we couldn’t it wasn’t the same anymore. so we lost contact for about a couple of days and then we went to go eat. So we talked and we figured out that this can’t work at the moment because it was just too soon. So we let it off as a good bye that day. She texted me a couple days later and I responded. We saw each other again but this time she came over to my house. And will we did what any other coupled to in the bed at night. She stayed the night and in the morning I took her to eat breakfast. Then I took her home. When she got home she texting you we shouldn’t see each other and I said well why I thought we were going to work things out. She didn’t want to. To make a long story short we still kept seeing each other for the next 3-4 weeks. so I sneaked into her house one of those days. Not knowing that her step dad would catch us have that same night. How to her step dad caught us it was just total Kaos. She left to Mexico to be with her mom for 3 weeks. We went together but the week before she left we act like a couple we went everywhere together. Over there in Mexico she partied her ass off. Of course I did not approve of it but she wasn’t my girlfriend it was nothing I could do. Before she left I was being led on to something that would never happen again. She played with my emotions so much. I have the letter X carved into my chest where my heart is because that’s how much it hurts. I also have numerous scratches on both of my wrists with really nasty scars. She had told me that she kissed another guy over there. When she told me that I was devastated because I thought we were on the path to having another chance at being together. When she told me that I woke up I got drunk and I cut myself nonstop. That same day I went to the movies by myself and I just took a road and I sat on the train tracks and cried my eyes out for at least 30 minutes.the pain was so large I could have almost killed myself off a bridge near the train tracks. But before I came to the conclusion she texting me again saying I will always love you no matter what. My hole is aspect changed and well I fell again for her.all in all this is my fault. If I would not have kissed a girl on the day of the party she would have never ever ever kissed a guy over there in Mexico and left me like this. So we’ve been talking and woe she cut me off again after telling me that she loves me and that she will forever be mine. She straight up told me that she feels like a ***** because she’s talking to me and she’s talking to that guy over there in Mexico and at a time to see each other Annette I just look like a dumbass because I’m going to be over here okay with it and received her back in with open arms. I love her to death. I really do. I can forgive that you kissed another guy because it’s payback but she led me on to something that was not going to happen ever again. I’ve been suicidal for over a year I was suicidal when I was with her. She left me so many times for it. It means. But I understand now that she just wanted to change me for the better, but now I’m trying to change for the better and it’s too late. It’s all my fault. I lost my girlfriend, her family, I lost my future, and I lost the love of my life. I’ve had to suicide attempts in the past 4 weeks. The first one I tried to cut my veins open but I just I couldn’t it didn’t go deep in me. My second suicide attempt was almost jumping into a really deep pool. Although I did jump into the pool and nearly drowned I came back up and realized that there has to be a more painful way to die. She called me that same night I tried to myself and told me that she loves me and I will forever be hers and that she will forever be mine. Bullshit. But I believe there and again she did the same thing to me and stop talkingto meto me a after she told me she had another date with the same guy. Maybe the reason that I want to kill myself its pretty stupid because in the beginning it just is my fault and she’s just moving on but she led me on and she keeps leading me on and she keeps bringing me back in and I just don’t know what to do and I find that this is the only way out to end my misery. if anybody out there can just talk me out of doing this or give me some advice because there’s no explaining when I can have a third attempt and actually succeed.thank you guys for taking the time to read this I appreciate you hear my story and I hope you guys can help me try to find a way out of this. I know I shouldn’t kill myself over a girl but you guys just don’t know the situation like I do…