Spontaneous Outbursts

I find that throughout my day as Im cringing while thinking of my life and mistakes, I have these uncontrollable outbursts of saying fucked up shit. Like I will randomly just say to myself “kill yourself”, “you should die”, “Im already dead”, ” fucking kill me”. Then I freak out and go ” why did you say that”, or ” dont think that way”. Its really annoying and its like im suicidal automatically, whether im happy or not. I just want to be the real me again. It literally feels like I dont know who Im looking at when I see my own reflection.