Who I am

Hi, I’ve never posted on a site like this before about how Im feeling or doing with things. Idk if anyone will read my crap on here or not. Doesnt really matter. I feel empty inside. I have no energy, no strength, no anything to do anything. I force myself to go to work. When I’m there, I’m better, but i’ve been getting worse lately. Ive had to hold my stomach throughout the day because I hurt so much. My emotional pain has become physical. Dunno where to start. how bout, I have always had depression and suicide as a way side thought. Moved to where I am now almost 4 years ago for my brother who tried to commit suicide. I was happy where I was, so unbelievably happy, but felt i needed to be here for him. Now his family is in church and they are doing pretty decent. But ive just become more broken as time as gone on. Partly because I quit the thing i wanted most for my life and partly because I loved someone so much and he just wasnt good for me. He still comes around saying he wants to see me, but then I ask to see him and he gets mad. He doesnt understand. I have no will to live. I teared up on the way to work tday because I’ve been wanting to drive off the highway and crash into the cement stand so maybe I could die. Ive cut my wrist and it bled a good bit. maybe half a pint. Not a great bit, but I felt relieved when it kept bleeding. But then it stopped. Anyways, I need something to save me.  God used to be able to save me but ive lost my strength to even reach out to Him if hes even up there. I severely doubt his existence now that i feel like ive lost eveything. I have my family and a good job i enjoy. But when im not at work or even when i am there it creeps in on me and i start to feel sick. I wanted my love to save me, but he doesnt want me when I need him. I love him so much. Only he could save me. But he wont. If he could just let me cling to him for a little while, just so i could find something to focus my life on to maybe pull me out of this. But he wont. He doesnt want me like this. He spent his life alone. Not many friends. Hes not outgoing unless you really know him. He likes to be alone a lot, but I cant be alone anymore. When I am the emptiness sets in and i feel sick. I was so proud of myself when my wrist kept bleeding the other night. Didnt really hurt that much. Why does it have to be so hard to die though? Like for real?? I dont want to be like this, but I am. And because I am i have to give into it. I have no fight left in me to not be like this. CAuse ive fought it for a long time. But I have given up. I just hurt all the time. Does anyone understand? I wish he did. My love. Hes all I want now. But he doesnt want me when Im like this. I cant fix myself. He says I have to fix myself. That I cant use him to get over whats broken me. I jsut need him. Cause nothing else will save me. Nothing else will let me escape from feeling like this. And I’m not ugly btw. Like not to sound rude, but I’m pretty gorgeous. Hour glass shape, like my mom. Guys are always asking me out, but I just want him. And I dont want to burden anyone else with how I am. No one could understand. Anyways, guess I just wanted to throw my thoughts out into the world too.