Funerals aren’t ”fun”.

I’ve lost yet another person who meant a lot to me. One of the few people who truly encouraged, inspired and believed in me. His funeral is tomorrow, and I don’t know if I can deal with it. He was a close family member, and our bound was something I took pride in. He became paralyzed at 19 through a swimming accident. He’s been quadriplegic ever since I can remember. I never saw him through his disability/handicap. I saw him for the person he was. From a really young age I started taking care of him when he needed help. He came to be someone I looked up to and admired from a young age. Especially considering my real father wanted nothing to do with me, and my stepfather was abusive and short tempered. I quickly latched onto the only man who I think truly cared about me. We were always there for each other. I’d help take care of him, be it making food for him or fixing his chair or any number of things. And in return, he would listen to me. Be there for me when I needed a place to go, or just someone to talk to and believe in me. And as soon as I started driving, we’d go fishing or take day trips.

Honestly he’s probably a huge reason I’m here. I never saw him down and out. Always a smile on his face. Never got married, so I know he had to be lonely. I know if he were here he’d want me to be strong, but I’m not like him.  Last time I saw him, before I left I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. I never did tell him, but to me he was like a father. I will miss him greatly.Between the loss of this man, and the recent loss of a good friendship, I don’t know how much more I can honestly take. I’m losing my will to fight my inner demons. There’s hardly anything left to hold on for. I need a drink.