let it end please

i don’t even know why i am writing this really i suppose subconsciously i do i am just so tired of waking up each day with no purpose trying to do something with my life only to realize it holds no meaning in the grand scheme of existence and that ultimately i will always just disappointment myself with my own inadequacies i hate myself and the world for being the way i am i always feel so hollow like i am not even real and that i am no good to anyone it feels like my very existence is being stretched across some medieval torture device and i am waiting for it to break i have lived a life leaving nothing behind but empty promises and forgotten good deeds whilst the worst deeds echo through the mouths of those with no comprehension of an equilibrium that should be obvious but the one promise i have never broken is like a nail driven right into my heart day after day after day as i tentatively avoid it day in and day out it becomes harder and harder to keep at bay i want my suffering to end but i know it will cause more suffering to those around me it’s just so painful i don’t think i can bear it much longer people say they can help or understand but you can’t only by suffering the same things can you truly understand one and another. whenever any talks to me about my life i always say i am just relaxed and have a great life but in actuality i have had two physically and mentally abusive stepfathers who made me feel like i will never do anything with my life and that i am less than shit my real dad who is supposed to be there for me never acknowledges anything i do my older brother is all that will ever matter to him my own mother tries to be as supporting as she can not knowing it feels like having salt rubbed into my wounds the pain is just to unbearable my own friends that i have talked to this about think i live the idyllic life whilst they think that i will get over it like it’s a common cold that will go away in couple of days it’s like some kind of the boy who cried wolf BS to them because so many kids throw the words depressed and suicidal around to get out of class or to avoid getting a job and go on the benefit i just want the pain to stop.