Since the end of my childhood I thought obsessively about my death. It became self termination, soon after. I tried to kill myself three times, one OD, going to a cliff to jump (I didn’t, and suffered no injury), and drowning. I wasn’t under long enough to pass out. I’ve held a knife in my hands thinking about burying it in my body multiple times. I think about suicide constantly, but over the years only attempted really once, I suppose. I feel as though I don’t have the right to call myself suicidal. If I’m not that, what am I? If I don’t feel this […]
I’ve lost yet another person who meant a lot to me. One of the few people who truly encouraged, inspired and believed in me. His funeral is tomorrow, and I don’t know if I can deal with it. He was a close family member, and our bound was something I took pride in. He became paralyzed at 19 through a swimming accident. He’s been quadriplegic ever since I can remember. I never saw him through his disability/handicap. I saw him for the person he was. From a really young age I started taking care of him when he needed help. He came to be someone […]
I have to hang in there longer. I just can’t put my dog down or give her away. She deserves to get older. She is 9 and will be really old in a couple of years. Somehow I will hang in there. I don’t like buying stuff, because it just means more stuff that the Public Administrator inherits, but I bought some house plants, put them in pots, and they make me feel better. I get very depressed when a plant dies, though, and I don’t have a green thumb.
So, if you want to hang in there a little while longer, buy yourself a toy […]
In the end I know two things that are completely and utterly true; that I do not matter, and that I am not enough. All my life I have felt completely and utterly alone, and this is partly my doing. I pushed away my friends and I isolated myself because I didn’t want them to get hurt when I inevitably killed myself; and I am finding that I am once again feeling this way. I cannot take the pain anymore, and my life will never get any better if it hasn’t even marginally improved over the last eight years. I wanted […]
Today, 09/05, I just turn 25. I am just so blessed for being able to complete another year of my life.
So very blessed.
Today was a day like all days, nothing out of the ordinary. Simple, normal, even monotonous I could say. But it’s ok; it makes me happy just being alive. I make sure my parents hear me saying that. I am so blessed. (help me). I am finishing my Production Engineering course at the end of the year and I am glad. (please help me) this is definitely what I want for my life. I make sure my friends hear me saying that. (somebody) […]
I’m in such a dark place right now. I hope maybe someone will be able to relate, and tell me I’m not alone. I’ve lost a friendship that was very valuable to me. Heartbreak, despair, despondence… this is my world right now.
Background: depression and suicidal thoughts (and attempts) since childhood; lengthy episodes of near-total isolation as an adult. A suicide attempt in my teens earned me a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, and I’ve spent nearly 2 decades complying with treatment – medication, intermittent periods of therapy, consistent check-ups.
A couple decades in, and nothing is working. The isolation, depression, loneliness… they’re getting worse all the […]
You gave me the push, to hold on, for just one more day.
And although my smile finally wasn’t fake, you were.
So here I am, even lower than before, desperately searching for another reason to be happy,
it’s like breathing under water.
I guess I’ll just develop gills.
im extremely depressed and idk why. I cant get these bad thoughts out of my head and I feel like a failure. ive had similar episodes of depression in the past and have attempted suicide before using pills and I don’t want to get back to that. I attend a liberal arts school and was on the wrestling team with a scholarship but I gave that up today due to this depression. Im planning on dropping out, I don’t want my parents to waste 18,000 dollars on this school where I walk around wanting to die and failing classes. I just want help from someone that’s not getting paid to […]
Why do people always tell you to just be happy? My ex always used to tell me that if I act happy I’ll eventually be happy.
Thats such bullshit though. I hate it. If you go through your whole life just faking a smile, how are people supposed to know the real you? Oh right, no one really cares about the real you. Do you believe that there are genuinely people out there that not only just accept your flaws but actually love them?
I don’t care anymore , all I do is cry I can’t go through with a shit life anymore feel like I have got no one anymore, need quick way to end it have no one to talk to who can understand how I feel for no reason people will think I’m crazy
So yeah I’m here cause I wanna die but I guess I wanna write my story? Leave one final mark on this world or something I don’t really know…
I’ve been pretty much bullied my whole life. I’m 19 years of age and in college with a part time job. I don’t really remember what life is like without the depression. I’ve pretty much been depressed for since I was about 12..when I was old enough to really understand the bullying. It wasn’t the typical type of bullying so many people didn’t really know it was happening to me or if I told them just thought […]
You cleansed my soul….
on my darkest nights
you showed me light….
you became my reason to fight
now your gone….
off living life on your own
without me….
without me….
without me….
without you there is no
me.
Sitting in the dark without you
I cannot see…
I’ve been standing here for the last 20 minutes trying to get enough courage to step of the stupid chair, I want to leave so bad but I just can’t take this last step!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!
I´m total failure and I know my life is heading nowhere and I lived in endless hope, but now the hope is totally gone and I don´t want to live anymore in this freaking world .
I like the sea.
I like the sky.
I like the land.
I like rain.
I like the sun.
I like the stars.
I had a relatively good upbringing. Compared to what some other people on this site have had to go through, I have had an easy life. I have a loving wife and loving children. My children are what keeps me here.
But I hate that I exist. I have never hated anyone enough to murder them. Except for myself. I have constant fantasies of different ways to destroy my body. Those fantasies bring me peace.
I was halfway to a big city last night where I was going to jump from the top of a tall parking garage. A sign over the freeway told me that there […]
hanging is supposed to be a sure fire method, I was putting all the pressure on my carotid and jugular veins, and nothing. sat like that for a half hour and nothing. nobody cares about me in real life. my family only speaks to me if I speak to them first. the one I love, who is truly the only person that’s Ever made me happy, won’t come home and let me help him. I wish I had someone who cared about me half as much as I care about him. but no, he ‘belongs’ in Kentucky, where he ‘doesn’t fit in’ and we both […]
We’re all just stardust. Nothing that I feel matters, but it’s funny how the emptiness and unhappiness feel so real.