Even in the worst days, I would try my best not to think about suicide, but damn, maybe it’s just the shitty me or it’s just the universe that has some kind of beef with me for some reason. There’s always some fresh new shit that the universe, life, throws at me every single day. I am exhausted to the core of my soul, if there is any, or it might already be in hell, for all I know.
Being an adult you thought that maybe with age you will have courage, freedom and strength, but who knew, all you develop is the ability to mask your shaken up soul. I am pretty fucking good at pretending like everything is ok. well, maybe not anymore. Lately, I just cant hide my gaping wounds, it’s bleeding all over. My patience with people has grown thinner than an African child. I’ve had had enough of patience, hope, for better days, pretense, dreaming, optimism, stinking motivational quotes included, because, from what I see, it’s all bullshit, as far as my eyes could see, and it’s stinking up like rotten eggs and dead hooker.
Shit, I’ll be damned if I die, I’ll be damned if I dont. Thank you God, I dont know why you created this foul beast that is me, but you must have been drunk that day from all the fine wine you got in heaven. What divine joke life is, what pathetic joke my life is.
6 comments
whoa! sounds like your having a rough time; that is pretty clear. but things can get better. they really can. There have been times I was exactly in the position you were in > but I decided to not dwell on the bad things in life or the bad things in my life at the time and I focused on making things better. I changed all sorts of things in my life to make my life more comfortable and happy and I had a lot of great times. Still I have my ups and my downs. But you just have to realize that ALL people have ups and downs. Even the richest most properous people have bad times. The key is learning how to deal with the situations and dont take things to seriously. Dont let other peoples bad attitudes get to you. Dont let your past become your fate. Your fate… the outcome of your future is not determined buy whats happened in the past. You can change aspects of your life at any moment. You can change what you believe. You can change the people you hang around with. You can change your thoughts about life. You can change the direction of your life. You can change your goals. You can even change your personality if you work at it. I suggest you sit down and plan. Make a list of good things in your life and make a list of things you want to change and then begin the process of making things better. There is a lot of information out in the world. books and so forth that can help. I hope things start changing for the better for you.
I believe they will if you put a little effort into making things better for yourself.
thanks for the advice, I’ve had plenty of it.. nothing seems to work on me. They say, if you cant fix the world outside you, fix yourself. but I cant fix neither. I am so angry with myself, I’m just so..lost.
Madra,
No advice here. And I hope you won’t listen to someone who advises you just look at things differently in order to feel better. I’m sure you’ve thought of that yourself, true?
I’ve tried that mask on. It suffocates…just saying.
Madra means “Mother”?
maybe you’re right, but it is hard to get rid of my tunnel vision of negativity..but i am trying my best to live another day… :'(
i came up with ‘madra’ because of the word mantra actually..
Tunnel vision of negativity? I’m not sure I understand.
I know I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking. I have great difficulty in turning my mind “off.”
Thanks for the name clarification.
Hi, i replied to yoru posts: Dear god and walls of hell. I was waiting for your reply by mail but it didn’t come. but you see my posts cause you confirm them. so please can we talk by email? my email is stefan@deds.nl realy hoep to hear something