Fuck. That practically sums up my past 7 years. I’m 16 years old and a junior in high school and I have given up. I’ve always wanted to go out, explore the world. But, there are certain things stopping me. I’m a pathological liar, and I have ruined every opportunity to make peace with my parents. I’m failing (all) my classes, I don’t have any type of extraordinary features, and I don’t believe I am worth saving. I have constantly wanted to commit suicide, but I never had the balls to do it. The couple times I did, I failed horribly. I don’t know if I’m making any sense really, but I’m just so fucking frustrated with all this shit. I can’t do shit with my life because I wasted it on useless fucking things. I’ve been stealing my step-dad’s money to pay for my drug uses. I’ve manipulated my step-sisters into believing I was something worth saving. I’M A FUCKING LIAR. And I’m sick of it. I was hospitalized for attempting and I’ve recently been relapsing if you didn’t notice. I just can’t stand for myself anymore. I used to have this false hope of me becoming something better. Becoming something I could be proud of. Instead I ended up exactly like my biological father. A weak piece of shit who’d much rather lie and run away from my problems than face them head on. I’ve never met the man, but he left my mom with nothing when he decided to run off. I want to run off too. Just escape all of this. The stress, the frustration, the self-esteem. I always wanted to travel, and I’ve also wanted to die. That’s the decision I’m trying to make right now. Leave and try to make something of my life? Or just die. I can’t stay here at this damn house. I need to go somewhere.
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Wow 16 yrs old , well if only I could have been that mature at 16. That is being mature enough to be honest with yourself. At 16 I would have blamed every one else for my behavior, felt sorry for myself ect . You’ve already claimed your wrongs now stop being so hard on yourself and just start loving yourself for the bits you have got right. Most of the other parts improve and get easier as you mature .
thank you bee, it’s just I don’t see that future. I can’t visualize it because I believe it doesn’t exist. The things that I see as right about myself are terribly outweighed by the amount of things wrong I see about myself. I understand that they might not all be true and such, but to be honest, my feelings are my reality. It’s the only reality I’ve been able to keep a steady grip on.
Do you have borderline personality disorder? It comes with intense unstable self-image, crazy emotions, and stormy relationships. Try to get diagnosed by a therapist. If you haven’t tried it out yet, I suggest getting treatment before giving up.
You seem to think well of your mom and step-dad (I’m just inferring this from the way you feel bad about what you’ve done). Tell them that you need help to manage your emotions and relationships.
Borderline comes with very elevated suicide risk. Around 10% of us will commit suicide. Clinical trials on treatment effectiveness is still sketchy, but Dialectical Behavior therapy seems moderately successful for some.
Everyone’s got a future. You just have to deside what you want. And break down in to smaller steps how to get there. Every desire requires action. You just have to grip whatever it is your passionate about or find a hobby that brings you more joy than drugs. Hard I know! Do I want to go to the beach or do I want to smoke bongs pipes ect or whatever the drug is. If you keep picking the drugs then maybe you need to ask for a bit of help from a pro
I’ve seen the pros. It helped for about 2-3 months before I realized what a sham I was putting on for myself. I told him this, and all he did was decide to go up on my meds. He didn’t help in anyother way. I was extremely happy though about a month ago when he said he woulod be weening me off, but i haven’t got the heart to tell him how I’ve been feeling. Last time I did, he put my in the hospital with a 5150 that lasted a month. I just don’t want to go through that again, but I also don’t want to have to deal with this
Or get into an extreme sport that no drug can rub shoulders with!
Hi 16.
Yes, being in the hospital would suck, but maybe being on the other side of life would suck worse? The thing is that you don’t know. That’s the scary part. It can always get worse. Drugs will warp your mind into thinking what you’re thinking. Stick with the meds. Tell him they are helping, cuz the will help you once you use them instead of drugs. With drugs, the meds will not be as effective. Give them time to work. Take them faithfully, if you do nothing else right. I know it’s hard, and it sucks to feel this emotional rock-bottom feeling. There is no easy way out. There is only one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, and when you do it one day, you wake up and do it again and again. When you relapse, you rise up, dust yourself off, and move forward again. You are only 16. Your life is literally mistake free at this point even if you screwed up big time. The whole future is ahead and you can turn it around. I’m not saying it will be easy. Just step by step that’s all we can do. And yes, having some goals and dreams will help to move you forward. Hugs.