Where do i start eh?
I am 48 yrs old, married to my gorgeous wife Victoria. we got married in 2006, we’ve had our ups and downs liek all couples do and we have come through it because i thought we were strong.
I had major back surgery in 2011 that failed now i have disc degenerative disease throughout my spine and survive my days on large amounts of morphine just to get me walking.
My Mother passed away in Nov 2012 and i felt a part of me died too, my Father died in 2007 the day before my Birthday and that is crippling me big time. Both died of Cancer!
Before my Mother died we had a chat approx 8 months before about her bank acocunts and all the direct debits she had for my Nan and what to do about them (should something go wrong with the Cancer treatment she was having) and she said she wanted me to sort them out and not my Sister as her husband is a blabbermouth and my mum wanted this kept confidential, i was round there sorting the printer connecting to her laptop out, so she typed out instructions for me regarding this. Obviously my Sister didnt know this, now i have been called a thief for moving money around in my accounts, my Sisster didnt ask me what i had done she just flaired up and starting telling me Nan i was after her money etc when that was not the case. Now this has put abig hole in my life as my Nan wont see me and she is 92 now, my Sister has poisened her against me, she done the same to many friends and family members too, all i have left is my Wife’s parents and my 3 lovely kids.
My life has been going down hill since my op and i feel guilty that i cant physically do all the thngs i used to do with my wife, no intimacy since my op as i have no labido now at all. I am working hard ot get it back with meds etc and research, but my wife has become very distant from me since we moved back in March this year, i know she needs affection like anyone does, yesterday she told me she dont love me like she should love me, she will alwasy love me but not how i want her to love me thats what she said, now my wife ot me is my best mate, i love her to bits and alwasy have, my love for her has grown day by day since i married her. I cant see how somene can fall out of love with someone like she has with me? She wanst to end it, i said try marriage guidance and anything else and i will try very hard to regain what we had and get the fire burning again, but she is not interested. Even for the sake of the kids, but she is still nto interested. Now this was the top on the bottle for me, i have lost my parents, the rest of my family due to my sisters speculations and my wife and kids are all i had left, nwo i done have that and i am as low as i can be, i have enough morphne here to kill a dozen adults and i keep looking at the pills and bottle and i am thining about just going off somewhere and hiding myself os it will take along time for someone to find me and then taking the lot. My Wife thinks i am having an affair with a very old ex girlfriend, baring in mind i was 16 when i was with her and now 48 because i txted her juts to wind her up really a si a not sexually active and my wife found the txt, but i think in away i wanted her too as i know she has been distant from me, she said her feelings have been dying for a while now, but never told me anything so i could at least try to save it before its too late which i think now it is, i dont want any other woman, my wife is my life. she has been there for me through everything to comfort me and support me when needed and now she has turned cold on me and i am slowly sinking beyond recovery, i get reaally down very quick and when i do get down i will do anything and not even think about what i leave behind etc. I know its a selfish attitude to take, but thats my way out just to say f*^k it all i cant be doing with it anymore. but everytime i go that little bit further down. I just want my family and my sister to understand that ive done nothing wrong but i have been told my a solicitor to keep away with NO contact at all or i will be charged with harassment. She is poison, a bad egg but puts on this soft exterior and people feel sorry for her, but underneath she is stubborn, a *****, and will do anythng to get people on her side which she has done. right now i jut want to be with my Mum, 6ft under, no worries, no hassle, nobody like my sister or her family or kids and friends screwing me up due to her passive lies. Just to clarify i was bullied into stealing from my Grandparents when i was 13, i paid it all back and learnt my lesson and would NEVER do it again. My uncle said i was “rummaging through my Mothers house while she was dying in the Hospice with Cancer”!! He’s a twat and i just want to knock him out too!
I know i need help but i dont want it, i just want out. The only person who can help me is my Wife who i love so badly, but its not mutual unfortunately. Maybe one day she or my poisonous Sister might find this on the web, but it just might be too late. I love my family and my kids with all my heart honestly i do, but i cant control the state i am in right now. I hope i do get through this and my Wife comes to her senses as we are so alike and have so much in common, but i think it just might be too late for me i really do. But i will take some very happy memories to my grave.
Excuse the spelling and grammar error but i dont give a S%$T!
Much love to my family.
Alan
5 comments
Wow.
Losing parents is always hard, and these things often bring out the worst (unresolved childhhod) behavior.
There’s got to be more than a text that’s pissing odd your wife. Any chance she has someone else?
The drama over your relatives will pass. Clarify your intentions for the record, but don’t expect your relatives to instantly be amenable. It can take years.
You can always end it, but you have a chance to see the dramas resolve. One day at a time Alan.
It’s possible your wife is projecting when she acts overly concerned over the text message. Maybe it’s not about the text message at all, this text message just gives her something to blow-up over.
I have wondered if there is someone else, but she says there is not, although she does spend every evening and most daytimes up stairs alone textin, but she says its just friends, but hides her phone rather sharpish when i came in the room. If that was just a friend then why the sudden reflex? She is normally relaxed about her phone and leaves it around but not lately its always where she goes. Nobody txtx friends all day and into late evening everyday thats not normal. And i think by accusing me is to cover for herself that usually is the case when someone gets accused of this. But i wasnt cheating n her, i have no labido for 3 yrs now and i thought that by having a chat of that nature would maybe find a spark in me then i would have something to build on. Ileft the msg on my phone knowing that she does check my phone on occasions now if i was up to something i would delete my txtx and also change my phones password right?
But the problem she says is with something that happened before we got married onver 8 yrs ago now and that i lied in church? she’s not religious and my thouhgts on church were to wipe the slate and start from that day forward with my new wife whom i absolutely worship the ground she walks on i must say. It seems liek she i smaking excuses to me and she is up to something with another and maybe planning something and by making excuses about me that is her way out to pass the buck! But i would do anything for her she is my world, my best mate, i love her dearly and would never do anything to hurt her. She has stood by me thru thick and thin my rock. We have not done anything as a couple or family for a couple of years so i know thats not good but there has been lots going on with my surgery and my parents passing. I am prepared ot make a day for her and another for the family to show her how much i love her and can relight that fire again, i have also for the past 3 months been looking into the labido issue (which has been dead for 3 years) and there is some slight results which i am estatic about, but maybe its tool late. she also admitted today that me being disabled is a burden on her and now i feel even worse, kick a man when he’s down. she does nto want a disabled husband! Iam at rock bottom now, spent the night in my car up on the cliff with some very uncontrolable thoughts going through my head. I frighten myself as i know wht i am capable of when i hit the bottom and thats where i am now. No wife then no life! Sorry it sounds selfish and a cowards way out, i can help that i am getting no supprt form my wife, she dont even want to talk to me about this mess where in now.
sorry i just wanted to add that i am not looking for any sympathy but it does slightly help to unload all my head on here and i do appreciate your comments, please do not put any negative comments on here for me, that is like another nail in the coffin right now.
It is difficult to feel mentally strong when you are physically weak. I, too, suffer from a degenerative condition that is hurting my relationships and my confidence.
I am not an expert, but this has kept my marriage alive longer than it should have, given the fact that we’ve recently found out my diagnosis. I mean, who wants a young wife that is going to walk with a cane and you will eventually need to push in a wheelchair. Likely, before I’m 50.
I was seriously teased by a waiter yesterday when I ordered tea at a birthday dinner while others ordered alcohol. He smiled and said, “going the old lady route tonight?”. I smiled and nodded, thought it hurt to acknowledge especially because I’m under 30.
Recently my conversations have been:
“I feel like you are often making comments that amount to me not doing enough around the house, sometimes you ask me to do things that are very difficult for my physically and do not acknowledge the small things I do. Is there some way I could help you understand what I’m capable of? Could you try to notice more of the things I do accomplish? What do I need to do to show you I’m willing to work around the house?”
From the POv where my husband is the one with the low sex drive:
“I understand that you have a very low sex drive. Mine is considerably higher. It would help me if we made an effort to have sexy time at least once a month. I would like you to hug me every day and make time once a week where it’s just you and me. Mini-golf, a movie on the couch, walking the dogs at the park together… Something where friends and family are excluded for a few hours it’s just us.”
I crave the intimacy, not just the sex. With his low libido, I often feel like I am undesirable. In previous relationships, this led me to pursue inappropriate conversations with “internet men” I didn’t know. I ended up texting him regularly while in a relationship. Still counts as cheating? The guy I was dating thought so. But the reason why I did it: I didn’t feel desirable, and the Internet Man told me I was pretty. He said if I was his girl, he’d take me out everyday. He said I was beautiful and … Well, I just wanted to hear those things. I wanted to feel like I was desirable.
Now that I am in a marriage that has very little sex, every once in awhile I need to touch base to remind him that I need to feel wanted. I need to feel needed. So, don’t worry about the “too little too late” sex stuff.
Let her know how important she is to you. Start with the “I feel” and ask leading questions. “What do you need to feel happy?” “Is there something else I could do that could make you feel fulfilled without sex?”
The scary part might be asking if the disability you have is too much for her to handle, if having a disabled husband is the problem. I ask my husband this every time my condition worsens. I’m terrified of the answer one day when he says it’s too much for him to handle, but I’ve got to know. Do you feel the need to know?