Still Can’t Get Ahead

No matter how hard I try, and no matter that some things go right, I can’t get ahead in this life.

So, just lost my place to live Sunday night, staying with my brothers ex for as short a time as possible, we get along ok, but she just hates people in her living space, and I can totally respect that.

Still have my job, and work my ass off when I’m there. Pay is crap, and we’re now cutting hours. Since I started about 4 weeks ago, I was getting an average of 30 hours a week, which was just enough to cover my bills, keep enough gas in my car and a sparse supply of cheap food in my kitchen. Next week I’m only getting 18 hours and the week after that I’m getting 12-15 hours, depending on if they make me take a lunch for a 5 hour day… if I took a lunch it would only be a 4 hour day since we get an hour for lunch.

I’m pissed. Those 2 weeks are what is going to be reflected on my November 6th paycheck. So I’m gonna get about 30 hours on my paycheck for the beginning of the month. That’s the check that needs to pay my rent, for wherever I end up living. Also, November 6th is my husband’s birthday, so already pretty shitty, and then a pathetic, equivalent of one weeks pay, paycheck. This blows. I’m freaking out. Even if I manage to get into a place within the next 2 weeks (which is like my limit for staying here with Amanda), how the heck am I supposed to pay rent at the beginning of November?

Seriously is like never ending “Let’s fuck with this chick day”. It’s been like “Fuck with EK year”. I’m so over it. I’m so done. I can’t fukin get anywhere no matter how freaking hard I try, no matter how hard I work, no matter what little things actually go right, the big stuff careens out of control and leaves me fucked.

I’m looking into getting a studio apartment with my mom and my 2 cats, cuz mom needs to save money too. But even she is picky on this subject. She prefers we get a 1 bedroom so at least we’re not right on top of each other all the time. Problem is a 1 bedroom is $150 more a month, and I seriously need to save money, and so does she… but whatevs. If we got a studio together, rent and utilities would be less than $200 a piece, and we could both split the grocery bills and share in cooking actual meals.

On a good time at walmart, getting full 60 hour paychecks (wish it was 80), I make just under $1000 a month. My storage units cost almost $400 a month, my phone is $100, my car insurance idk.. (I just canceled Geico and so am uninsured as of today, or possibly the end of the month if they’re nice, still have to shop for new insurance). So those bills right there are over half a months pay, plus $200 for rent (if getting a studio with mom), comes out to let’s say $750, then I gotta put gas in my car which is about $40 per month (if I only drive to work and back), so $790, and then cheap but healthy as possible groceries are $200 per month, so I’m at $990 now. That’s all my money. And I’m supposed to pay off my one bank acct that got overdrawn when I moved up here, at $50 per month.

My small credit card is a bill of $70 per month, and my large debt acct at the other bank is a monthly bill of $300. So…. for my life to work I really need to get rid of my storage units, and ideally I wanna sell 90% of what’s in them, which is all my furniture. If I could save up enough money to get a truck and go down there (my units are a 4 hour drive away), bring everything up here and put it all in one super big unit (right now I have 4 units, 2 from right after Jack passed and 2 that I opened right before moving up here last month). The one super big unit should be less than $400 a month, so right there that saves me money, and then I’ll be able to work on selling the pieces, which would A, bring in some cash, and B, lower the amount of space I need in a unit, so I could just transfer to a smaller unit when possible and save a few extra bucks that way too.

But at this rate I’ve no idea how the frick I’m gonna accomplish ANY of this when I can’t get enough hours at walmart and I’m having the hardest time getting a second job. WTF. In a moment I’m gonna apply for at least 1 job that I know has openings and would pay decently to boot, but then I gotta hit the hay. It’s nearly 11 and I gotta get up at 6 and for weeks now I’ve been running on an average of 5 hours sleep and it’s really starting to get to me. By body is aching all over and I’m getting like a sinus cold or something. Was sneezing all day and I’ve felt feverish for the last 3 days. I can’t keep going like this. I seriously need something to work out well enough that I can get ahead.

Seriously, this is just fucked. How much more fucked does my life need to get? I mean, really. I think enough is enough. I’ve suffered enough, and what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this shit? I was born poor, I got married young, I was a housewife, my husband got sick. All of those things contribute to the situation I’m in now, but I only had control over 2 of them, and given the choice, I still woulda married him, though I may have tried to find part time work, but back then I wasn’t doing so hot myself, health-wise.

It’s just not fair. I try and try and try and try and I’m a good fucking person and I care about others and go out of my way to help them, because it’s the right fucking thing to do, and now what do I get for my effort? I’m not asking for any recognition or awards, but fuck! This feels like a PUNISHMENT.

BOOM! Husband dies. BOOM, homeless.BOOM, inherit ridiculous amount of debt. BOOM! Debt collectors calling all the time. BOOM, move 11 times in 11 months. BOOM, extensive car issues. YAY! Get a job. YAY! Get a place to live near the job. BOOM! Lose place to stay. BOOM, hours cut at work. BOOM, possible homelessness again.

Boom…. might have to give up my furbabies.

Boom…. wanna fucking cry.

Boom, why the fuck do I even try so hard to make shit work?

I’m starting to become too exhausted to care. How sleep deprived do you gotta be before you just don’t fucking care.

I’m just so fucking tired, in every goddamn sense of the word.