Failure on Repeat

I am a failure. i am at a loss. i have received advice. i thought that following it would suffice. but as the time passes and as i reevaluate my life…

i am supposed to pursue art next year and go study abroad in italy to broaden my understanding of what i am getting myself into. but in order for me to pursue that future i only needed to graduate.

i only needed to pass the three subjects that i had failed last year.

i did well during the first few months but i started to go on a downward spiral halfway. no one understands how depression affects a person’s functionality. even i think that my reason for failing to graduate is a joke.

i… will not be able to go to italy. i promised my dad i would do something to make him proud but it seems that i’ve broken that vow.

i kept my head up and informed my two beloved friends that i won’t be graduating this year. i told them i won’t wallow in depression and simply go straight to the solution; live for another year and try again. my friends approved but were worried about the part i couldn’t tell my parent due to my cowardice.

it seems as though i am eating my own words now. how dare i think i wouldn’t be sad about failing and extending my failure.

ever feel so worthless and have the feeling be backed up with actual evidence? this year i didn’t grow stronger at all. i became weaker. each passing day i am reminded of how pointless it is for me to continue my life. i have a growing list of people who are disappointed in me. i do things to refute that. i practice art , improve, gain notice from the exhibitions and from the immersion from the artist community both in traditional painting and digital, i take my parent out to dinners out of the art i sold. i immerse myself in living this life. i tried to get above the dark waters but i just keep getting pulled back down. i fear that someday i won’t be able to resurface anymore. perhaps drowning won’t be so scary…

at least i can stop putting my failures on repeat.