i can’t deal with the guilt

Yes, I’m curious… why do you feel as though you have no right to live? Many times I’ve almost died, most unintentionally (a couple intentionally, though very, very few know that about me). For me, with those unintentional close calls comes a feeling a gratefulness and gratitude that I’m still alive, though it quickly fades. It definitely seems though, inevitably, that I’m still here to be punished or I wouldn’t be here anymore. I’ve cheated death far too many times. Too afraid to attempt again, that and I have a son. I just can’t imagine the burden it would place upon him if I were to do that. My grandfather did it, as did my friend’s dad. I think about it, abs have done so in very elaborate detail but… I’m not afraid to die, just afraid of causing my son pain and of physical pain.

And so the cycle continues… and to each their own, respectfully so. And so I suffer, quietly to those who do not know.