My name is Joseph…..I’m a cutter, and I’m sick of being alive. I have nothing and nobody, and I’m worthless. I refuse to act on suicide anymore though because I’m sick of being locked up in those inpatient prisons for the mentally ill. Getting no help. On August 26th, I drove out in front of a semi going 70 in my 2012 Ford Focus. I was ready to end it. I was sick of the pain. It tore up my car, but somehow I walked away from it. Then my mom decided to kick me out so she could have her piece of crap, sleezebag of a husband back. After 6 weeks of being in the hospital, I was discharged to a random homeless shelter in a random town. Long story short, bad things happened and I ended up on the street. In the cold, under a bridge. Long story short, things got really bad so a guy I met in the state hospital picked me up and he’s my roommate now. I appreciate it, but he is really irresponsible….we haven’t been eating a lot due to being broke, very behind on bills….barely surviving. Plus I’m dealing with this horrible mess relating to my car…..a lot of stress. I do nothing but go to work and sit here and cry. I miss my mom….this has to be surreal, we used to be best friends. But she’s cut me off. She knew I was living on the street and didn’t care. I have no family, nobody likes to be around me because I’m so depressed…..even though I’m trying. Never had friends….had bad social anxiety in school. Wishing the holidays would go away……and my 19th birthday is coming up. I’ve been abused, neglected, and beat down my entire life. My stepdad was a psychotic asshole…..I lived in fear for most of my life. He went through my moms money like it was nothing……we lived in a fallen in shack with no heat…..and no septic system….our sewage ran out onto the ground. He was constantly in and out of jail, CPS was getting involved, he was very abusive and I have PTSD thanks to him. My mom just let him do whatever and it was okay. I didn’t matter. I don’t matter. He had hundreds of animals….constantly dying from abuse and being underfed- I would have to drag their corpse through a river of sewage to the back “graveyard” I’ve been molested, beaten, emotionally abused, had my head shaved…..I just hid….and tried to survive his tyranny. Words can’t describe it. My sperm donor was no better, he was very emotionally abusive, a bad drunk…..I would have to pick him up off the floorand clean up the beer stains…..he would get angry and throw things….or put guns to his head in front of me…..I just had to go back and forth between houses because both were very dysfunctional. I lived in pure hell for years…..I remember living with my mom…..my stepdad wouldn’t work or shower for a month, while we catered to him….and had no toilet….had to do this outhouse style setup in our piece of crap camper that sat next to the house…..I got older, was sick.of the depression….lost a bunch of weight and tried to make friends but I was still a loser and just got stabbed in the back……got my GED, started working two jobs, came out of the closet….which I also struggle with…..had no time to exercise…..that and the damn antidepressants caused me to gain the weight back…..I was ugly enough thin…..this isn’t everything…..but in a nutshell……a good quick summary. I’m a fat, ugly, worthless piece of trash. The wreck shouldve killed me. I have nothing to live for.
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Sorry about the typos.
You deserve so much better than what life has thrown at you. You’re only just turning 19, and you’ve been in the hospital – are there some kind of mental health resources available to you? Have you considered checking to see if you qualify for housing? It might not be the most pleasant place to start out, but if the rent is income based, you should at least have enough left over for food and basic necessities.
Do you have a case worker you can ask for help?
I hope someone else here with more experience will chime in. Please try to hang in there, and keep posting if you can.
I’m trying to get assistance. That wasn’t my only attempt, I’ve had about a dozen attempts. I’ve been commited 9 times since I was 17.
hey dude, i understand what your going through, the cards given to you werent good. I know your suicidal tendencies are eating at you, wanting to end your life. but like the great winston churchill said, if your going through hell, keep on going. and i know i have thoughts of suicide every day and ofcourse the main method was crashing my jeep or something, but yo, dont ever try and crash into someone else!! that is the worst thing to do.. is kill other people that may actually love living.. and bring them into your nightmare. Just keep dreaming on how you want your life to be, and slowly work towards it.. best thing you can do right now i guess is eat HEALTHIER
I’ve been eating salad and shit…..I regret what I did, but honestly thought I would not be alive to see the aftermath. It takes all I have to not think about suicide or cutting. I just wish I felt like someone cared.
You’ve made it this far despite living such a horrible life. You are working, about to turn 19, you can do this! Are there resources for gays in your community? Many areas have a centre where you can meet people, get involved in the community. That might help a little.
I’m sure there are. I live in Dallas now. Will have to look into it.
my reason for being suicidal is as lame as it comes.. my cards given to me were good. but.. it was myself that always fucked me over.. i did some drugs when i was younger and just made mistakes my whole life, every day, every month every year ever since. I was only suicidal just recently.. but it was building up for years.. crappy jobs, debts, no girlfriends and just a plain ol loser that had a ton of potential. so, were both in the same boat.. what are we gonna do about it? well i dunno what the hell i am gonna do but i can suggest to you.. find a job/career to focus all your energy on, some how… so atleast your work doesnt suck.. and things will get better. thats what I need to do, my work is one of the main reasons im suicidal.. ive done the terrible job soo long that i have no skills to get a better job… sigh i hate the life i made for myself.. and there is absolutely no one to blame but me.
didnt notice you said you were jus turning 19.. damn kid you are sooo young! focus on a career dude, i swear, focus on a damn career that you will enjoy and never let it go!!!! and dont do drugs man, fuckin stay away from drugs or you will never get better..
I’ve never done drugs in my life. And I know about the whole shitty job thing….I don’t really care where I work right now as long as it pays the bills. I want to go back to school though.
You drove in front of a truck and had a car accident?
What?
Did you have a car accident by intentionally driving in to another vehicle?
I think you are on the right path with staying away from cutting and suicidal notions, also it is apparent that you are seeking help. Key for me was getting a good case worker and social worker who I felt comfortable with. I can’t say the best is yet to come because things could get harder, the end results of being well and feeling that happiness is worth every second of turmoil. I wish you the best, hang in there and good luck.
Yeah sorry I drove out in front of a semi that was going 70, trying to take my life. I’m tired of counselors and their crap. I’ve had two. One just sucked and the other was very rude and insulting……
And what became of the innocent truck driver in that accident you caused? I’m very sympathetic to suicide but involving innocent people is scum behaviour.
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