I will be 50 not long from now. I have lived an outwardly full and rich life. People look up to me apparently and i am somehow respected. The truth is i have drifted through life with much luck and relative ease. I have been loved many times but have never loved until recently. And my immaturity in that caused it to fail anyway. The bottom line is that i see little point in going on. This world and this life just has no relevance to me, it is pointless. A few weeks ago I made an attempt to end it by downing a bunch of prescription pills left by an ex girlfriend. My body rejected them and i was ill for 3 days. I told only one person of this and she was horrified pointing out that family and friends would suffer terribly had it succeeded. Now i sit wanting nothing more than to just end it but her words ring true and i feel guilt for what i want to do. I live in a country where believe it or not, it is illegal to take your own life so there is no one professional that i can talk to. It seems my only option is to return to my country and have myself admitted to an institute. That way i will not be able to harm those who will apparently suffer should the “solid successful model citizen” end his own life. But i really just want to end this all. I have a very strong desire to do it. Each day is a challenge not to end it. I want to die, simple.
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Happy Holiday season to you for starters.
I can understand the being tired of life thing. My life has been really really hard I have a disability that I have been dealing with for most of my life… and its something that brings me physical pain, physical limitations and also brings me feelings of not fitting in with other people and it limits what I can do and it makes me feel like. What is the point of going on. So I can relate to how you feel. But I want you to know that you can find a reason for going on. Im sure you havent done everything in life. Me the only thing that helps me through my days and brings me Hope is Jesus. I read the Bible and believe in Jesus as the way to God and that brings me joy and blessings and Hope. There are other things that can bring hapiness to your life.
Maybe you could volunteer to help other people out in some way. Maybe you could travel to parts of the world you havent seen yet. Maybe you could write a book that might be helpful to others. Maybe you could find a hobby or some outdoor actiivity that brings you Joy.
I like to go fishing once in a while. I also like to take a road trip once in a while.
I also read a lot of books, I try to read books that giveme hope or teach me something about life that I might not have known before. You could make some new friends. You could Take up a sport maybe > like Golf or some other sport. You could maybe even start a business and that would keep you busy. You could join a volunteer organization. Helping out others might make you feel good and give you a purpose to focus on.
Its not over for you yet.
Just think about what might interest you. What might fill the void in your life.
I hope you keep on going it sounds like you have done well up to this point.
if there are some thing you think you need to work on conerning yourself then work on them.
Try something NEW.
Hi Overcomer72. Well i am not a religious man and have never found any meaning or comfort there, no offence intended as i respect those who do. I too have faced much physical challenge in my life. I have spent the last 20 years mostly helping others in whatever way i can. I have started and sold 5 businesses. I have travelled to almost every corner of our planet including the exotic ones. And i did not go gently to them. I went large. I have played golf, extreme motorsports and many other distractions. I have helped countless people get over depression. I have inspired others to succeed when drowning in failure. I have given to charity both money and time. I am considered the one person in my community that people can always turn to because i give unconditionally and am a solid reliable resource. The country i live in is transient, friends come and go. I have stayed for a very long time. I wrote a book they said was good and have read much. I studied the social sciences a long time ago but maintained interest. The point is i have come to realise this year for the first time that there is not a void in my life but rather that my life is in fact a large void. My dilemma is that i cannot hurt others, it is not in my makeup. And i know people will question much if i do what i simply want to do.
I’m confused…ok so you’ve done all that and been all that. Why, exactly are you feeling so down? Failed love, is that it? I know what that’s all about. At 52, I finally met and lost the love of my life.
The failed love only highlighted the real void i have lived in. Yes that is depressing but coming to realise i have never been connected, never really touched or been touched by life. Disconnected in a word. I gave it a damn good shot but it never really happened. It’s pointless. I just went through the motions. I have no more energy to push on blindly because it’s “what one does”.
I came here because i waver every day between this sense of responsibility to not hurt others and this intense desire to try again but do it right this time. I know they will suffer, my mother God, but i will not be here to know and they will eventually get over it as life moves on.
I came here to SP just after I turned 50 myself…three years ago. I was ready to attempt yet again. There are multiple reasons for this…and as you can see…I am still here. Not only that…but free of suicidal ideation for the first time in my life.
What caught my attention in your post is the disassociation or detachment you speak of. For me this is still an on going problem…but I understand that it is my problem. I could make a million guesses why we both suffer this malady…but the answer remains the same. Find yourself…find your passion. I am not a religious person myself…but I AM a very spiritual person nonetheless.
Turning 50 was like climbing a mountain…standing on the top and surveying where you came from and where you are going. A life changing moment for sure. I am glad I pushed through that moment and applied myself to “finding” a meaning for my own life…and I hope that you are able to do the same. I have had several NDE’s because of my numerous attempts…and I know for a fact that suicide is not an answer nor an option. Once I gave up on the idea of ending my Life…I starting learning and focusing on living it. A profound difference for sure.
“We can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” Plato
So don’t give in to your shadow self…fight the dark…think of it as an Epic adventure…and find your Light.
Good Luck
Sending you Love and Light
Thank you. I am considering tomorrow for my next attempt. I spent the day in deep reflection. Weighing up the conscience vs the ending. For now i am going to sleep on things. I have not slept for three consecutive nights so i know i will finally succumb. In the morning i will be alone and thinking better after some sleep. Let me see what Christmas day has to offer me as a gift.