I had the chance to go up the rooftop of a 12-story building some days ago. It was refreshing to get out of the house for a while and the air was so cool what with the christmas season (or a typhoon) approaching…
I stood up on a ledge and looked down and tried to take pictures. When I went up I could already feel my knees wobbling and my hand was shaking so much the first few pictures I got were blurred, I had to retake the shot several times making sure my hand was steady, which was really difficult. I kept thinking that I was going to drop my phone, one I have had for years and is worn out but I love it, because it has and is still continuing to serve me well, and besides I don’t have money to replace it, but I digress…
So I managed to take a picture but by then I was shaking hard. I went down the ledge with jelly legs, I felt really weak. But there was also a surge of adrenaline when I was up there, a kind of electrified nervousness.I have determined in that moment that I probably will never be able to end it by jumping off anything: a bridge, a cliff or a very-high up hotel room…it was really scary to me. I don’t think I’ll be able to just chuck myself out there and if I were able to I guess I’ll be terrified and flailing all the way down.
I got to enjoy going up there. It was nighttime, but there was heavy traffic below and the cars made a sea of lights which I have always found fascinating. And there were at least 5 planes that flew overhead when I stayed there… it was calming and peaceful. It made me forget about shitty stuff even for just a while. If only it were that easy to fly with planes, get away from everything or to dive into a sea of cars below ending our misery…
Anyway, thanks for reading, much appreciated. I just wanted to share this experience here.