My life story is crazy. There aren’t enough paragraphs to explain it all and I dont want to bore you with all of the details. I can tell you that Ive had two different therapists tell me that I needed to write a book because no one would believe all of it. The very short jist is a rough childhood, abuse, lots of anxiety and fear, bad relationships and much much more resulting in ptsd, depression and anxiety. I tried my damndest to overcome what I could and try to make a life for myself. I had a great job, great relationship, great income and a bright looking future. That was 7 years ago.
Seven years ago today I suffered a head injury at my job and my life has never been the same. Ive lost everything. I hate that day, hate it for taking my life from me and leaving me like this. Here I am still trying to overcome the childhood, ptsd and anxiety, and now have severe depression, chronic pain, memory issues, being unable to work, being unable to do any of the things I used to in order to cope and having barely any income to deal with on top of it all. I cant play music or sports any more so I have lost most of my friends. I have been told the same fucking thing for these past seven years, “Just hold on and stay strong. There is light at the end of this tunnel and you are almost there.” Its been seven years and things have only gotten worse, not better. There is no getting better and sure as hell isnt any lights at the end of this tunnel. I have no strength left to keep fighting. I have wanted to die for awhile now and that has only gotten stronger. I cant do this anymore.
For the cherry on top of the cake, I got involved with a girl I never should have. She had some major issues but I just ignored it all. She told me she had some issues and could not conceive. Weve been broken up for a month and a half and she just informed me she is pregnant. She planned the whole thing out, lied and manipulated me into believing her stories. She informed me she knows that some day soon I will get a nice settlement from my accident and that she is coming after it. She has been stalking me and showed up outside my apartment at 3 in the morning to tell me she hopes I commit suicide and die. Good times. I cant handle anymore. I feel like Im losing it. Like literally feel like I am going to completely break down and lose my mind. Its all too much. Ive tried to be strong for so long and I simply cannot do it anymore. I have no hope and zero desire to live one more day. The pain, physical, mental and emotional is too much. I cannot bear it anymore. Im numb, feel like Im not even here. I cannot even take care of myself or support myself. How am I supposed to take care of or support another? Its maddening. I want to close my eyes and have them never open again. Im gone.
4 comments
So very sorry, Greystreet. That is a bitter line-up, and no mistake. Yet your intelligence comes through, and while I can only stand on another island and call across, I get the sense of someone with much to offer, despite all.
It’s a bleak thing that when one most needs help of some kind, it seems most unavailable and unavailing. But here’s hoping you can find some idea or person to help you through this bitter time.
One thing that comes to mind on the exceedingly difficult but practical side — if this girl has been manipulative and something of a stalker, can you be certain the child she carries is yours? Perhaps it is, but the thought did occur to me given your description of her behavior. It would be something particularly important to know, given the pressure and overwhelming stress you are feeling.
You surely cannot support another if you leave the world — one can do only so much, up to one’s strength at a given time, and I hope that this situation does not rob you of your life and the world of you. If you do indeed have a child, you must still take care of yourself first right now. It is no wonder you are feeling pulled under by it all!
Though my circumstances are very different, I surely understand the feeling that one more day and night are too much to bear. My best thoughts in your direction, at very least.
(And yes — I too have had the ‘you should write a book” comment on several occasions! Perhaps we should indeed write books. There lies a strange kind of comfort and unburdening, in the writing…)
Thank you Ishmael. I have had the same thoughts of wondering if it is for sure mine and without a dna test I would probably never know for certain. I just know the thought of having to be connected to her for the rest of my life is enough to push me off this ledge. The thought of bringing a life into my fucked up world and it having to be dependent on me is enough to hold my head under this water. The thought of having to wake up one more day and deal with all of this pain is too unbearable to fathom.
Perhaps we should write those books. If I am not around maybe you can write mine for me. Thank you again for your kind words.
I feel for you. Just keep doing the best you can. I’d find out if the baby was really mine, though. If you are the father, I think you should stay alive for the baby. If it’s not your baby, try your best to move on.
Paternity test. Police. House alarm. If she wants to come for your money, say it’s all in medical bills, sorry. She won’t want a “broke” dude.