Being ignored by friends = Best thing ever. Though these days I can see why, I’d get the hell away from me too if I could. Yes, I sound like a passive aggressive brat.
No, I don’t really give a damn at the moment. I’m just busy glaring at said friend on Facebook and wanting to hit them.
I’m wanting to hit everyone, honestly. I’m tired and frustrated and perilously close to giving up for good, in the most permanent way I can manage, because nothing helps.
A couple friends have tried, and I thank you, and I love you, and you don’t deserve to put up with me. I’m the worst thing to have happened to you and I’m sorry for that.
I’m just so sick of all of this. The bipolar and the panic attacks and depression, and dealing with mom’s dementia, and family that’s hurting instead of helping, and using my issues against me saying I can’t take care of my mom. Forget that they’ve never seen my bad days, never heard of them, and are just going off what they see on tv/read/a relative in the medical field tells them they’ve seen with other people.
I know I wouldn’t be like this if I could get a break. Give me a week to eat and sleep and properly medicate, and RELAX, and I’d improve. I’ve done it before.
I’d stop seeing things as hopeless and pointless and I’d stop wanting to die.
Or at least I’d stop wanting it a little less.
I’m never going to get that chance, so why bother trying.
2 comments
We are our own worst judges. We know ourselves so well we end up with no defense, we KNOW how bad we are.
But that is not true. Depression colors everything. Even our anger. Please give yourself some patience and compassion. We need you- only can YOU do the things you were meant to do.
Take great care of YOU!
Pretend Girl,
I want to give myself some patience, I want to give myself time to get better, but no one else’ll have patience with me. I’ve asked my brother before (we both live with mom) to help me more, so I can sleep better or eat or take a pill and it’s just ‘Suck it up/that’s not enough to be suicidal about/well I don’t get to eat/sleep either’ and he’s screwed up too, but if I get into that I’ll start screaming.
I want a break without it being regarded as weakness. I want my stupid family to quit using me against myself. My dad used to do it too. Most of my childhood I’d hear how I’m worthless and stupid and not worth the powder to blow me up, a waste of space and not worth the trouble I cause. The rest of it I was brilliant and pretty and his favorite. He died of cancer in 2008 (I was his caregiver for 3 yrs) and I got a bit better but then my brother turned into him.
I’m tired and they’re both right. I’m still dragging myself along ’cause while I want to die, I still want a life. I want to get married, I want to raise kids, I want to be a writer. I write fics no one leaves comments on (but who needs outside validation, right?) and I used to roleplay with friends when I had time. I collect Yu-Gi-Oh cards and I’m trying to teach myself the game and build a deck, but there’s no time. I can’t do anything that makes me happy ’cause I’m always getting interrupted.
It’s quiet at the moment though, that’s rare. I’m supposed to be cleaning, not doing this. Dishwasher repairman’s coming tomorrow and I need to stop slacking off. I’m talking too much anyway.