Ironically, I can’t actually describe what it feels like anymore. In September and October all I wanted was to forget and stop feeling- I was so certain that would solve my problems. Now I’ve forgotten so much I’m not even the same person. I have no idea what to say to people anymore. Writing is easier because you only see the finished product, you don’t see me daydreaming or imagining, or pausing; you just read this and that’s it. Face to face I find myself just sitting there staring. The only people I talk to are my roommate who is a self absorbed moron and the people at work who I can’t really have an opinion around (it’s a small gossipy place, so it’s best to be quiet and smile).
The guy I was so convinced I was in love with, for almost two years now, texted me the other night. It used to be so easy to talk to him- I just wanted to be around him and hear him talk about anything, and I was so full of questions and interest. Looking back on all that it’s like it’s outlined in gold. I try to erase him and then he comes back around, but the last conversation makes me think I’m getting what I wanted. He wanted to see me again- casually I’m sure. I would’ve jumped at the chance to be around him 7 months ago, but the offer this time didn’t inspire anything except stress, dread, and extreme nervousness. He tried to talk about what happened, he even offered more closure, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. I wasn’t disinterested, it’s arguably the most important conversation I’ve had since it happened, I just failed to feel. I imagine going to his apartment now, and it’s horrifying. I can’t even imagine a conversation. I think he’d try to put his arm around me or touch me and I would freeze and look exactly as terrified as I feel just thinking about it. How did it get here? Am I absent bc I’m depressed? Am I somehow actually over him? What if he’s better now? What if I miss the amazing, incredible guy that I saw that first night bc now I’m the damaged one? What if nothing ever changes and he never loves me and just keeps coming back to me out of boredom, bc I’m easy, bc he knows I loved him and wouldn’t say no?
I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say when I started this, I just don’t have anyone I can talk to. The friends I’ve told my feelings to have questioned how I could feel so attached to him when he hurt me, and then they dismiss the conversation bc obviously after they point that out everything I felt magically disappears. I can’t understand what they don’t understand. What hand were they dealt that absolved them from loving the person who hurts them? No matter what the current issue is there’s always an issue. It’s always one thing after another and each one always seems to be the one that, if solved, will make life better and that’ll be it. I’ll be able to finally be happy. But no, in 27 years that has never ever once been how it’s gone. There’s no life if there’s no pain.
I want to tell him I thought this was what I wanted and I’m sorry but I changed my mind, please stop calling, texting, emailing, running into me in the halls. He would. He’d never try again w me. There’s just something about him that makes me unable to stop. I feel like meeting him is the reason I stayed here for so many years when I had so many options to leave. I need to learn something, or accomplish something, or finally be happy cause I found my person – hell, maybe not, maybe he’s the catalyst that ends me.
He isn’t the only problem, or pain, he’s just the one that’s easiest to describe. I look back at how I used to be ten years ago, pre depression, pre anxiety, pre bulimia, etc etc. , and I can’t pinpoint one thing that happened to set it off. I have the same life I’ve always had and the same problems I’ve always had, except in this case instead of being 4 years old and sitting at the window watching every single car go by waiting for my dad to come visit me cause he said today would be the day I’m 27, and I’m in my bedroom, waiting for a different man to make me feel important, staring at my phone. Waiting. I’ve been waiting to feel like I matter for twenty + years. How am I still repeating this pattern?
4 comments
like me, your in search of ‘daddy love’… that elusive unconditional, protective love. I think that on a subconscious level, we look for that in our relationships and when we don’t receive it, the pain and disappointment is magnified because we are drawn back to the little 4 yr old waiting for ‘daddy to come and love me’. Logically, it is unreasonable to think that a man, who is not our father, will love us unconditionally, but we want it so bad we forget. And why do you love a man that hurt you?? Do you know any better? How could you? The one man that was supposed to love you till eternity and for no other reason than the fact that you existed, didn’t. How would you know you deserve better if you were never shown or given better? This loss that we feel manifests itself into a vast void or like a black hole in our hearts and soul… it bleeds, festers, rots… it’s a slow death. There is no fix, i have self medicated since the 6th grade, had therapy, all kinds of antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti psychotic anti anxiety…. you name it, and attempted suicide more than once (i’ve also been molested and raped so don’t freak out, I’m way more fucked up than you). I even met a guy that with all my baggage, adored me! There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me- said i was an angel- imagine that… well, i put an end to that after about 6 months. It felt weird to have the attention, like i didn’t deserve it or he would discover soon that i didn’t deserve it. I’m a mess!
i don’t know, i hope i didn’t make it worse for you… i go thru periods of not feeling anything, just be careful not to dwell there too long, you can do a lot of self harm when you’re in that place.
if you ever need to vent or whatever and need a sympathetic ear… I’m here sista!
You are still waiting at the window because you will always need to feel like you matter, same with everyone, we all need to feel that we matter regardless of age or genre, some just deal better with it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to feel it from time to time (even self absorbed morons like you call them, lol).
I don’t want to dismiss the fact that you say that you don’t feel like yourself lately, but if you feel that way about that guy now maybe it’s because deep inside you realized he’s not good for you and you don’t want to fall into (what looks like) and unhealthy cycle again.
If he hurt you like your friends point out, the common response is to go away from that person, but not everyone functions the same way (even if that seems to be the standard behaviour nowadays). I’ve forgiven hurt that i shouldn’t have forgiven and still continue to love the people i was with, long after they left me (and in some cases i’ve been left in really demeaning and humiliating ways), and i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one that falls into that. I’m pretty sure that it’s because we really believe there is always good with the bad and accept the bad (even if we know it might hurts us) but there has to be a stopping point, otherwise you are just allowing the other person to hurt and use you.
🙂 Sometimes I just need a new perspective to help me get out of my mind, and you both definitely helped. Thank you both for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.
fuck, when you build up that attachment it becomes vampire-like. it digs in its claws and you remember — all the memories and the laughs, all their idiosyncrasies, the little things that only you knew about them… its fucked. its beautiful but fucked. then when you try to break away all those things flood you. its jus so easy to revisit the past…