I’m 25 years old in a couple of weeks, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life. I have no job, no experience, no skills. I’m still a a virgin, have never been kissed properly, never had someone who loves me. I don’t even have anyone who even cares about me all that much. No parents because they died when I was a child, no other family because they emotionally abused me all throughout my life and then disowned me. Only four friends. Two of which don’t even bother to talk to me unless I remind them I still exist. I feel invisible. I’m a social outcast and suffer from social anxiety, severely depressed so much that it’s hard to even get out of bed… I’m living all on my own, shut in my flat, barely have enough money to live on. When I was younger, before everything went so horribly wrong, I used to get so much joy out of my hobbies, especially drawing and writing, but now it’s just an uphill struggle for nothing because I’m not even improving, I’m stuck in one place while everyone else improves and it shows, and I can’t keep up with them. I can’t do anything well. It just seems like I’m never good enough when compared to others. It makes me believe that I have no real skills in anything.
I don’t see the point of my existence. I am living in a hell. I don’t have a future and I won’t amount to anything. I’m too broken to function properly and I’m useless to everyone. Everyone else is better than me in every way at everything. I’m a complete failure. I live inside my fantasy daydreams rather than facing this awful reality. All that’s left of me is this body that’s running on automatic, living every day the same. Get up, eat, mindless activities, eat, sleep. These horrible emotions have eaten everything else.
I’ve gone on like this too long and am just so tired. I’ve tried to find something, anything, to keep me going, but nothing works for more than a week. I want to end it all for good. I’m suffering needlessly for nothing. The pain has become unbearable. I can’t deal with it anymore and I don’t see why I should continue to go on living when I am this damaged and this worthless. I am a waste of space and air and my death will not take anything away from the world. I plan to suffocate myself soon, after I’ve dealt with all of my belongings. I might finally be free of this darkness and head to a better place.
7 comments
You are not worthless or a waste of space. Everyone is a little damaged and broken in some way. Some of us a lot more than others, but I can assure you that if you die you will be taking something away from the world. You don’t know what your future holds. Don’t think that you are just taking this awful person you see away from the world. Think in a positive way, even if it doesn’t work just picture it for a moment. You are only 25. It may seem like you are old to have not done all of these things yet but really you have so many years ahead of you if you choose to stay. Love doesn’t come easy but no one goes their entire life unloved. You are/ will be loved by somebody very much. You have so many things you can choose to do with your life. You can make a difference. Everyone has a skill, you just have to find yours. and even at 25 not everyone expects you to have these amazing job experiences, hell most people at that age nowadays are still in school and therefore in the same job experience situation as you are.
Personally i without a doubt understand how you feel. I have no family left to care, all I see is this broken girl, and I am exhausted from trying to push myself through each day when I see no point. But someone told me if i just took one day every time it got really bad to ignore all the bad and take a look at the really good things, no matter how insignificant they were that it would give me hope for my future. Like at least you have a place to live. You may only have two friends but you have them and it is better than having a group of a bunch of fake friends. Your parents did love you, they didn’t choose to leave you. You are better off away from your emotionally abusive family than having them continue to tear you apart. It is better to wait for the right kind of love than to be screwed over or hurt by rushing it.
Everything takes time and that include change. But change can be so good. And please don’t think that you can’t do anything right. I know how awful that feels, but if you give up early then you will never know how good you can be. Don’t think about others and where they are, sometimes you really just need to focus on yourself and put yourself first. You are your priority. You have to go back and realize that you were happy with those things and it doesn’t matter how good you are because if you still enjoy doing it then go for it. The whole point is finding things that bring you a little bit of piece, that take away the anxiety even for a little while. No one said that all of those things would make your life perfect again, but they make it a little more tolerable and that is what you need to see that things can get better. Not everything that has gone wrong in your life is your fault. The economy that is causing your paychecks to be crap is not your doing. You didn’t tell your family to treat you like shit and abandon you, you didn’t get to throw yourself at every opportunity because you had other responsibilities.
Love, peace, seeing your true worth, that stuff comes in time. But you need to forgive yourself and accept the fact that you didn’t break yourself but you have the power to fix yourself. Stay positive. Don’t focus of the broken piece but put the image of the pieces coming back together in the front of your mind. Pain, disappointment, self-hate these emotions just build on top of each other. But remind yourself that it is better to be feeling something than to be numb inside and not care about yourself and your life. You care and so you have hope inside somewhere. Try everything under the sun if you need more things to distract you and make you feel better. just don’t give up yet. Someone out there needs you.
Don’t give up. I can understand how you are feeling. I have been/ am in your shoes. I live alone far from my family due to the emotional abuse I grew up in. I am working an almost min. wage job. I drive a car that might die and I can’t afford to fix it or get another one. I have few friends. Most of my major relationships (mom, dad, a once good friend) are all fractured. It hurts and I get so down on myself and life.
But I can’t give up. I believe if I put one foot in front of the other, keep searching for what I want and need, things will improve.
I love that you enjoy writing and art. I do too! I know it is hard to be involved with anything much right now, but try to do something good for you. Even if it feels not so great.
Day dream- ask yourself what would you do if you could? How might that be? What steps would get you there?
Even if you look at that(those) dreams and think it is impossible, one three things will happen: you will discover a way to do it, you will discover another dream/ happy idea that you can try, or you won’t proceed much. The last scenario has only one in three chances in happening. Plus, if that happens, try again!
You have much to offer! You art for one! Finding your passion for another! Your passion, when you find it will help the world I know. In fact, if you don’t find it and share it with the world, the world will be poorer for it.
Many people are like us (you, me and restrictingheart). Few family members close. Look for ways to meet like minded people. Try to find meetup groups to join. I meant to try those for years but never did. This year I joined a book club and for Christmas, I had some place to go when the leader invited us for Christmas day!
Keep going, find your path, help someone else along their path. Be patient with you. This path we are traveling can be rocky, up hills and down crazy slanted, winding or straight to the bottom of the hill kind of roads! Don’t let that deter you.
All of this, your struggles and depression does help build strength (though I often question why this is so!)
I’ve struggled (and still do) but I have tried a lot of different things in life and am continuing to search for new ideas to help me.
I hope you can too. Be good to yourself. Take GREAT care of YOU!
Three friends (2 bad friends count as 1) are better than no friends. If you look at it in an objective way no one is indispensable, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to look for ways to live our life and be happy while doing it. People come and go all the time, you never know when someone new might appear in your life.
I also agree with everyone’s comments on this one, you are not a failure. The fact that you are questioning you advance proves that you care, so that alone shows that you do want to improve and continue to do what you love, lots of people don’t even have that drive (to improve). Trust me, that alone is worth a lot.
As for your hobbies, we all hit a glass ceiling sooner or later. We all have different natural abilities, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn something that is beyond of our abilities, it just takes longer, and more dedication. Good thing about art is that it’s part skill based, and part style based (i’d say almost in equal parts). Besides, you have to wonder how much of the “i’m not improving” thing is real and how much is you being overcritical… maybe others think the same about your art. Also keep in mind, there are 7 billion people in the world, it’s pretty sure there’s always going to be someone better at everything (and the best one will lose it’s spot the second after he won it).
You mention there’s nothing that works for more than a week… maybe you are sabotaging yourself with your “i’m a failure” mentality? i hope you can really overcome that. At 25 you can still do whatever you like, and turn things around. Hell, you can do that almost at any age if you are healthy and motivated (and lucky) enough. Hope things get better for you, wish you the best.
I am going through the exact same thing. Everything you said hit me like a fucking bullet. Please… call me…Five – one – three- four – one – eight – fifteen- eighty five or email me sk8erboi500 @ gmail. com
Please…
See you on the other side man have a safe trip
I share a lot of the problems you mentioned. I really do. So I hope you find happiness and comfort there after death. See you on the other side!
I know that feel.
25 and frittering away my useless life in a job I hate.
No friends to speak of, OK family (but hell, I may as well be a Martian for all my ability to relate – further obviously than the fact we’ve lived together for such a long time), I feel like a complete waste.
Anyway failed-at-life, sorry you feel so bad, and I hope you can find some abiding hope to carry you forward.
We, our feelings, our broken branches, are an indictment more so of our awful societies than we are of any lack of effort or character on our own parts. Hit me up anyone who would like to talk. Rarely on here though.