As I sit here typing with shaky hands, I can only think of where I’ll wander when I die. I want to know what it’s like to not have a worry in the world, where the stresses created by my own mind cannot reach me. A fifteen-year-old mind should not be thinking this. But I have lost most of those I care about, either by death or by abandonment. I’ve tried time and time again to “just push through it” or “just be happy.” But it isn’t that simple. Not at all. I’m ravaged every night by nightmares that leave me screaming for someone, anyone. But no one ever hears me screaming. I’m always telling myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow holds hope. But it’s never better, and I’ve lost all hope of being saved. All I can do is ask for forgiveness from those hurt by my actions. Dearest Mother, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. Dearest Brothers, I’m so sorry. Forgive me, please. Dearest Alyssa, know this isn’t your fault. No matter what thoughts may enter your mind, just know, this is not your fault at all. I’m so very sorry. Dearest Friends, it’s time for me to leave. Do not cry. Do not mourn me. Remember me at my happiest. Finally, dearest Jayden. I know you think what you’ve done on this night is my cause for leaving. But no. It’s not you. Remember that. I love you all deeply, and my only wish is for you to forgive me. With that, I bid you adieu.
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7 comments
It’s never goodbye. It doesn’t have to be the end. You know that.
I forgive you! Please don’t go! Even though I don’t know you, this post made me cry and I will mourn you. I will, I really will!
Youre only 15, life wont get better, Im not going to lie to you, but it will change. And as you do get older, there will be so many different experiences and opportunities that wait, but you will never know if you give up now.
Your family will never get over something like this, they will go through stages of guilt, anger, depression, remorse and anguish for the rest of their days.
Why not reach out to people on this site, they have been where you are now, they have lived a life time and then some.
Its never the end until everything is OK and nothing is OK until the very end.
My life got waaaaay better than it was when I was 15. Granted, it also got bad again sometimes, but what do you expect? It’s life.
Well said. You get your licence and a car and the freedom that opens up for you is almost limitless. Moving out of home, hitting town, picking up girls or guys, whatever youre into. You hit a certain age and you feel more in control of your life and choices.
And yes, there will be more hard times, but you learn to cope and deal with them better with age.
I didnt want to say ‘it will get better over time’, its an over used, typical response when someone is down.
Evol, I hope you are still alive. And I really hope you get to read the comments above and mine.
Having suicidal thought myself, and after leaving a suicide note myself in this site, I won’t tell you to not do it.
I just hope you think about the people you leave behind and how to make their loss better. It’s not their fault you feel this way, so why must they suffer extreme pain? The least you can do is get things in order before you leave. For them.
Adieu mate, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I hope you find peace wherever you end up, whatever you decide to do…. I hope you find happiness…