My first diagnosis–clinical depression–was made shortly after I turned 11 in fifth grade. My first antidepressant was Zoloft when I was starting eighth grade. I’m 34 now. My medication history reads like the shelves of a pharmacy: antidepressants, benzodiazopines, sedatives, and antipsychotics galore. When I was 25, a doctor pinned down the correct main diagnosis, and I learned what stigma among the mentally ill is like. No one likes people with Borderline Personality Disorder, no matter how unlike the stereotype that person is.
I had two periods of time when I thought I had healed. One was last summer until very recently. I know otherwise now. Twenty-three years in, it’s time. I’m tired of being a source of stress and pain for the people I love. I’m tired of people walking away. I’m tired of being so physically starved for touch–simple, comforting touch, not sexual–that I catch myself absently rubbing my own arms in a soothing gesture. I’m tired of hurting.
I’m glad I found this site. There are some amazing people here, and I hope that you can find the peace that I could not. I hope to be gone within the next couple of weeks at the most. Namarië.
7 comments
Hey, impossiblegirl. My boyfriend has borderline and he’s the cutest person in the whole world. It’s nothing that you aren’t liked by anyone, I’m sure. When you are depressed and struggling with many problems during your whole life you find it extremely difficult to enjoy the good things – and the most, that you are alive. It’s exactly why we feel suicidal and not suitable in various societies. Because we have problems with enjoying just simple things as breathing or eating. I wish you knew you are a strong woman, because you have been living so long with serious problems and you made it alive to this moment. I am so sorry that you feel like a burden but I know that there are people who will appreciate you. Please, hang in there. You can always talk to me. Vorkonzert @ gmail . Com
Basia.
I wish you the best of luck with all my heart!
Borderline Personality Disorder. Unfortunately, I’m very familiar with that condition. I’m sure it is very tough being aware of what it does to you, but also what it does to the people that love you.
At least you are aware that you have it. You accept it. You understand how difficult it is for you to love and be loved. Imagine if you were unaware of all this, and you thought it was the other person’s fault for not loving you enough, or the right way.
I only realized she had this disorder after it was too late. To this day her hack of a therapist (he is the worst ever) hasn’t diagnosed her. He keeps charging her for visits and has provided no help in almost 5 years. Well, except for telling her to leave me after 5 1/2 years of complete devotion, and get back with her ex-husband, who she trashed nonstop during our entire relationship. Go figure.
I know it’s tough having this disorder. It tends to ruin everything in your life at one point or another. I wish you success in your decision. I will be posting an update of my journey shortly. I hope you find something in there helpful.
no i likes you. i am also feeling like you too. everyday is such a struggle . i hope you get what you want and know i really likes you.
Hah, I know what you mean by simple touch. For me its mostly the opposite desire…
Either way, I like you and I enjoy your posts and comments.
Keep your stick on the ice, and your fingers on the keyboard!
I hope this isn’t your last post. I know you’ve said similar things before but I’m always afraid it really will be the last.
Namárië is the only Elvish word I know from Tolkien. I know how you mean it, but since it literally means “be well”, I wish you the same in return. Lately, for the first time in such a long time, I’ve actually been doing really well. I’m sorry that you continue to struggle though.
I’ve tried to do what I could to reassure you time and time again that there is hope in the world. So much of that time, I’ve felt like such a hypocrite because I could not believe in hope myself even though I’ve wished it so much for others like yourself because I believed in hope for you. But there is hope. I found a light in the darkness and I still believe you can find a way too.
You always seemed like someone I would get along and be friends with, and if this is truly your last post, I am truly sad that I could not help more. Sometimes I’ve felt that you didn’t want the help, and I’m sorry if you feel the encouragement I’ve given has in some way prolonged what you find to be inevitable. I guess I’ve just always seen more in you than you could see in yourself.
Namárië…may you fare well too. May you find all that’s possible in you. I still believe in you.
Please take care.
A fellow Bordie! Yeah, living with BPD fucking blows, I hear you… I also feel incredibly alone as well as a huge burden on my loved ones/family members… makes me feel so guilty and awful. As if I am not worthy of their love or affection. I always feel like if I’d die it would make it so much easier on everyone. However, I am always met with a resounding “That’s not true at all!!” The way one of my old friends described it is, yes, I am a lot to deal with and I can definitely be a “little too much” at times.. but that I am one of the most interesting, awesome and charming people he’s ever met. So just remember, much the the black and white thinking that is common with BPD, to any dark side we have, we have a light side that balances it out. Next time you seem to be focused on the unfavorable aspects of yourself, remember that there are plenty of amazing things about you as well. Please don’t give up on yourself…<3