I don’t really know what to do anymore. I tried to kill myself once. I’m sure this time I can do it right. I know what I messed up. I’m just tired of who I am. I’m fat, like 250lbs. I’m ugly. Its obvious. For the longest time I was ok so long as I thought I was intelligent or committed, but I don’t think I am anymore. Sure I was intelligent in High school, but that barely counts now. Not that anything I learned matters, when the only jobs I can get are in a restaurant or a call center.
And now I’m alone. I was dating a guy. We had sex. Then he just stopped talking to me. I guess thats all he wanted. So now I feel this constant aching pain in my chest, and I just want it to stop. Self harming only distracts me so much. Finding guys online to sleep with me so I don’t feel alone doesn’t help that much. Especially when you know they don’t love you, all they want is sex. But it seems nice to not be alone. Idk. I’m probably just going to fall asleep and ignore my problems some more. I don’t have to pay my bills for another, oh, weekish, so I have until then. I got fired so I have no money. Not sure what happens when you can’t pay for medical bills, rent, and a speeding ticket all at once. Who gets dibs on me? I’d rather not be around to find out.
2 comments
hi reaversandwaffles,
i am as lonely as you are and dont wish to live anymore. atleast you know that you are lonely, atleast you have the guts to accept it. i am such a coward, pretentious girl, i dont have the balls accept this in public. i show people that i have a huge circle friends, a great social life, but what i actually do is sit in a dark room and cry to myself. just found out about this website and thought this would be a good way to let my feelings out before i actually leave this world.
well, if you are still around and read this comment, do reply. i would appreciate a few good words before i am gone.
Thank you
Hey there, as you can expect, like many others on this site, I have a death wish as well. But while I’m still trying to work up the courage to actually do it, I think, heck, why not chat a little bit with others who are feeling down and depressed like me? And your post was the first one I read. SO again, hi there stranger!! I’ve never met you but I believe that you are pretty. But that’s not important. From what you’ve said, I’m guessing that you are an introvert like me, that you find socializing activities exhausting. You feel betrayed after what your last boyfriend did to you and that only deepened your wound. I know when it all happens at once, it feels overwhelmingly difficult.
Now if you could just try to search your memories again, I’m positive that you could find a good number of moments when someone brought some joy into your life. For me, it’s that random guy who let me know when I dropped my wallet in a coffee shop; or when a school janitor called me up to let me know he’d found my phone (that happened years ago when I was still dependent on my parents). Small acts but their impacts were very long-lasting for me. And it reminds me that be they strangers, friends, or families, there are always decent people around you, just waiting for you to ask for help (sometimes they do if without you screaming for help too) and they would be there in a heartbeat.
It seems that what you need right now is someone to be a good friend, someone who can listen to your problems without judging, someone to tell you that tomorrow, or maybe next week or next month, things will eventually be better even though you already know it is true. My guess is I’m nowhere near you but if you’d like I could be that someone for you to talk to. Heck I have things I need to get off my chest too haha. Sometimes we need to talk to people who knows nothing about us or our life because they WILL NOT JUDGE you.
I don’t know hope that helped. Now where’s that vile of cyanide I ordered.