Well I’ll start off with when it all started, about 5 years ago. I made the worst desicion of my life and I will still never tell anyone what happened. I got bullyed at school for years every single day. Nobody would give me a break. I regretted what I had done and everyday people treated me bad. I felt worthless. I stopped caring about everything because nobody cared about me. Only one of my cousins did. I started robbing houses, shoplifting etc. I would smoke weed and just get up to michief with my friends. I started getting in heaps of trouble with the police and I had a bad reputation but I know why. I feel like the most worthless piece of shit on the planet. I hate myself so much. All this brings me to here. Only a few months ago I moved to a different country. I did it because I wanted to change myself to be a better person. But I’ve just got worse. I fell in love with a girl, it was a very complicated situation but she fucked me over. I live with her aswell so I still have to put up with my feelings for her but she doesn’t feel the same. She says she loves me etc but she told me she’s had it with me. So because of that I can’t sleep and I’ve been so angry and depressed again. I break things, I slam things and I argue with her all the time. I lose myself and can’t control myself. I break down and beg for her to take me back but she just doesn’t want to anymore. I hate myself because of this and because of what I did years ago. I cut myself alot
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Well we’ve all made mistakes that we’ve regretted. Trouble is that sometimes other people are not as forgiving of us as we are of ourselves (sometimes its the opposite-depending on how bad it was).
If you keep the same relationships-of course you’re going to get hounded, bullied, teased etc. You should’ve left that school/group ages ago. It’s also important to realize there are forces within ourselves that are much more powerful than we think we are. Let’s say you have a propensity to addiction-then knowing this weakness, you should avoid gambling or find a way to control it.
Likewise for whatever you’ve done. I’ve made some major errors in my life and so I understand what you’ve gone through. One mistake I made as a young teen, has tainted my relationships with my family on a trust basis to this day. However I’ve put things in context and realized they’re wrong and they should learn to let by-gones be by-gones but people are scum-they hold others to a higher standards than themselves.
Anyways, don’t depend on this girl-it’s clear after your ‘error’ you took the wrong road in life and you need to get your act together. Leave this girl in peace-live on your own/independently, work on being a better human, then consider having relationships again. You learned a bunch of anti-social, maladaptive behaviors that you need to unlearn or fix.
Lastly looking at my own life, I see existence as something very arbitrary. I hate my parents for putting me in this life-but on the whole they were still much better parents than others out there…so many scummy humans who shouldn’t exist and reproduce. Anyhow, I would’ve ended my life for all my short-comings, but there are things I love about life and I know once I’m gone, it’s forever and I won’t get to experience, them so I stick around, hoping I can get what I want out of life before I die.
You’re way too hard on yourself. So you smoked weed and stole some stuff. Sounds like typical stuff teenagers get into. You really didn’t do anything that horrendous. Learn to forgive yourself. Leave the past in the past and focus on making a positive future. It sounds like lack of control seems to set you off and make you panic. The good news is, you can control yourself, it’s just going to be a challenge. But you can learn to make changes in time for the better. Something you can’t control is how other people feel about you. If that girl doesn’t want to be with you that is her right and as painful as it is you have to accept it. You can’t force her to love you and certainly having fits of rage isn’t helping your case. You need to let her go so you can make room for the right person.
*I meant to say you can’t force her to want to be with you. I read that you said she does love you. You need to find someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Also I would highly recommend moving out asap
If I may clarify something-he didn’t tell us what he did….the smoking weed, criminal activity came after that event/mistake. He basically turned into a delinquent because society wasn’t accepting or forgiving him for his mistake so he rebelled.